I'm a Puma...Not a Cougar

LB began texting me within a day after we first met. He really wanted to get together and go out for a date. By this point I had told several of my friends about meeting him and I was already being referred to as a "Cougar". I was adamant that I preferred to be referred to as a "Puma". According to Urban Dictionary there was a significant difference...

puma

An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

 
I agreed to go out on a date with LB. We went out for sushi and wine and spent the evening chatting and getting to know each other better. I had NO EXPECTATIONS for this date because in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself that he was 6 years younger and I was positive he was going to be incredibly immature. To my surprise we had a great time at dinner. He was actually very sweet and easy to talk to. 

He was going out of his way to make me feel special. He opened every single door for me. He walked with his arm around me or held my hand the entire time. He was very attentive to our conversation and seemed genuinely interested in me. He also was impressed with my career achievements thus far and just made me feel really good about myself and also about where this might go. 

After dinner we made plans to see each other again. He was such a pleasant surprise and I felt that I really did want to spend more time getting to know him. He kissed me goodbye and we parted ways. Before I even got home I had a text message from him telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have met me. I knew that it was just a line but I thought it was still so sweet of him. I really was beginning to get a good feeling about this guy.

At that point I decided not to judge him anymore on his age. Age was just a number and maybe I really could have a good time with him regardless of the fact that he was young. I did tell myself to keep my guard up longer with him because I just felt that I didn't completely know what to expect...especially considering the age difference...but I absolutely was going to go out with him again to see where things might lead.

LB23

After Andy, I took another hiatus from dating for a while. I spent time with my family, friends and just getting to know myself better. I think that it is important to do this when you are single. The saying "You will never be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself" is absolutely true. I was not one of those girls who had to have a man in my life to make me happy. I honestly just wanted to relax and enjoy myself.

I was back in with the single crowd again, going out on the weekends (and weeknights) and just having the time of my life. Enter LB.

I was hanging out with a dear friend of mine one weekend at a local bar. We had just walked in 15 minutes before and were drinking our first drinks standing against the wall by the bar. I had my back to the door and never saw him walk in. The next thing I know, my friend turns to the door, says "Oh well hello" and is striking up a conversation with a super cute guy and the three of us are now in a circle talking.

Now…here is the tricky part about two single girls going out and only one guy. I assumed that since she was the one who began talking to him first that she was interested so I was being very nonchalant about the situation. I was going to let her take control and "have him". Little did I know she had picked him out for me and within 10 minutes he was only talking to me and she was off somewhere else in the bar!

He kept telling me how beautiful I was, how he was so glad he had come out and met me tonight and how he couldn't wait to take me out on a date. All of the great lines that guys feed to girls in bars. As we kept talking we started asking all of the obligatory get-to-know-you questions. He had a job that he had just started. He had just moved to my city in the last 6 months so he was just trying to meet people. He had never been married before. Then I asked him how old he was…I almost choked on my vodka tonic!! 23!!! He was 23 years old!! He was a BABY!! I wanted to run in the other direction! I was honest with him about the fact that I was 29 years old (at the time) and he didn't care. I was obviously MUCH more hung up on the situation than he was.

I had NEVER dated anyone even a day younger than me…6 years younger was like statutory rape in my book!! I did not know if I could even consider giving him my number. I absolutely had to feel it out a little more. We spent the rest of the evening talking and getting to know each other a little more. He seemed very mature for what I expected out of a 23 year old…and he kissed me…which was more that I could say for my last experience with Andy.

I decided what the hell…I would give him my number and see where it went. I honestly went into it with no expectations whatsoever. I figured if anything came of it, it would be a pleasant surprise.

The Challenge

Over the next several weeks, Andy and I began spending more time together. We went on at least one date each week and we would get together and watch a movie or hang out casually in between our dates during the week. We were having a lot of fun together. He was a good guy, we had fun together and we both seemed interested in each other. There was one thing that seemed to be missing though. We had hardly kissed each other!! Every time we would kiss it was like he was intimidated or scared or something and all I would get was a peck on the lips. It was the equivalent of how he would kiss his grandmother!!

I tried to be patient. I kept telling myself that maybe he just liked to move slower than most men and that this was not a bad thing! I mean really…let's think back here…he could have been dancing naked in my living room on the first date! This had to be better than that. I just had to let him move at his own pace and take things as they happened.

Finally we got to his birthday weekend. We had been seeing each other for over a month and that boy had still not even opened his mouth when he kissed me!! This was going nowhere and I was beginning to get frustrated! There were times when I started to question if he might even be gay. I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. I told him that I was going to take him out for his birthday. Since we had only been seeing each other a month, I decided a gift was not necessary but I could at least spring for his dinner.

I met him at his house, with a cupcake and a card in hand. Still nothing…just a hug and a little peck on the lips. I was going to be patient…we were going to have a good dinner (with lots of wine) and then I was going to put the moves on him. This had become somewhat of a challenge for me.

We went to dinner, had wine, came back to his place and still nothing. I couldn't take it anymore. I leaned over and gave him a good long birthday kiss! It was the most awkward kiss I have every had. He was like a little pony just learning to walk and I felt like a dirty old woman for making him kiss me. I felt like I had taken advantage of him. I had never in my life experienced a situation like this and all I wanted to do was get the hell out and not deal with him or his awkwardness anymore. I had had enough! Maybe he was scared, maybe he was gay, but I couldn't devote anymore of my time to letting him figure it out!!

I remember leaving his house driving home thinking that this must be what a guy feels like when they are frustrated with a woman because she wants to take things slow. TOTAL ROLE REVERSAL!

Needless to say…I did not go on anymore dates with Andy. That was the night that I realized that we were definitely not compatible and we did not have the chemistry that was needed to sustain a relationship…or at least the chemistry that I needed to sustain a relationship. We did talk a few more times afterwards but I told him that I just could not see it going anywhere beyond where we were now. He was a great guy but definitely not the guy for me.

My Take-Away's From Andy:
*If you have not kissed someone (and I mean REALLY kissed someone) by the second date, it is probably never going to go anywhere because that chemistry just simply is not there. Chemistry between two people is undeniable when it is there and it should be there from the moment you meet.
*You can't have a relationship without chemistry. A relationship without chemistry is a friendship and that's what I would have had with Andy. I am not looking for a friend, I am looking for a husband and someone to spend my life with. I cannot settle just because someone is a good guy.
*I'm not truly a dirty old woman…I just had to figure out for myself what was going on with him…but now it is clear that it never would have gone anywhere ;)

Andy's First Date

Andy called and he seemed like a really nice guy from the first conversation that we had. Not only was he nice, he was a guy who had goals. He was an engineer and he was planning to go back to dental school within the next 2 years.

I was really intrigued by the fact that he was someone with a little ambition. We talked for about a week and then we decided to go out on a date. We went to a local restaurant for dinner and wine. When I saw him for the first time I remember thinking he was really cute! He was a little shorter than I would normally go for but I wasn't going to let that bother me. We had such a nice time just relaxing and talking to each other.

We shared our "divorce stories" with each other and both got a good laugh out of it. He was actually the first man that I had dated that had been divorced so it was nice to have someone who could relate to what I had been through. I had never realized how nice it would be to have that in common with someone until I sat down and talked with someone about it and they could ACTUALLY relate.

So far, Andy was getting lots of pluses for this date. He was cute, he liked wine and he could relate to my stories. I was excited that this might actually be a good thing. 

We stayed at the restaurant for quite awhile just spending time getting to know each other better. I felt really good about where things were going and I was looking forward to spending more time getting to know Andy. He asked me if I was interested in going out on another date with him and I was very excited to say yes! 

I had hoped that since we had already decided that we would be seeing each other again that the night would have ended with a kiss. I didn't :( Just a hug and a plan to see each other again. It was fine. I just was a little disappointed because I wanted to know if that attraction was there. I didn't get too worried about it. I figured there was always the second date. I was ready to get to know this guy. He seemed like he was going to be a good one!!

A Friend of a Friend

It had been several weeks since the incident with the crazy drug thief. I was honestly not making any attempts to look for a date and I was just enjoying my life. One afternoon I received a Facebook message from a colleague of mine asking me whether or not I was seeing anyone at the moment. I hadn't heard from him in years and I wasn't sure where this was going.

Considering that he was single and I was not interested in him at all, I skated around the question and told him I was KIND OF seeing someone. This was a total lie, but if he was asking for himself it gave me an easy out rather than having to shoot him down with no excuse. I did ask him why he wanted to know. He responded telling me that he had a friend in mind who he thought would be a great match for me. I asked him for high level details just to see whether or not I might be interested. 

His friend had just gotten divorced a few months ago, he lived in the same city as I did and he was looking to start dating again. He told me his name and told me to look him up on Facebook and see if I was interested. I did a little obligatory Facebook stalking and thought he was cute so I messaged my friend back and told him it was fine to share my information with him. 

From what I was able to find with my stalking, his name was Andy, he was an engineer and he played soccer in his spare time. He seemed attractive and like a guy that I would be interested in meeting. Other than that I was pretty blind to the situation. All I could do was wait to see whether or not we would actually meet.

I felt like this one might actually be a little more reliable though since it was a "friend of a friend" situation rather than a complete stranger. Time for the waiting game again!! If he called I would go out with him, if not I had nothing to lose anyway because I really didn't care about dating at this particular moment anyway.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I thought that after all of that Tommy would just tuck his tail in humiliation and bow out gracefully. I had made it very clear to him that we would not be working things out and he needed to move on to someone else. He definitely did not give up.

He would send me text messages apologizing for what he had done. He asked me repeatedly to just hear him out and give him a chance to explain. I felt that there was nothing to explain AT ALL. He had stolen drugs from me! No explanation could change the fact that he was a thief and a pill head. There were red flags all over this guy and I knew that I needed to let him go!

A few weeks after we stopped dating I came home from work and had 2 dozen long stem red roses on my front porch with a card from Tommy. It was yet another apology and plea for me to give him a chance. I stuck to my guns and continued to ignore him. I just honestly knew that at the end of the day there was not going to be a future with us.

After the flowers I honestly thought that he had gotten the point. I did not hear from him for several months. I felt like he was gone. Then one day out of the blue, I got a text message from him with one of those generic "E-Cards" about a dog that he said made him think of me. It was a cute picture so I responded. That was the mistake I made. I should have never responded to him. I should have left the gates closed. What followed was the most horrifying, entertaining and downright embarrassing thing I have ever seen. He sent me another message that said "I was thinking about you the other night and I made something that hopefully will make you smile".

The next thing that came through was a video. I honestly was so annoyed that I didn't even play it at first. I had dealt with enough crazy out of this guy that I didn't want to know. Finally curiosity got the best of me and I had to watch it. He had LITERALLY set up his computer to record himself dancing to  Robin Thicke's "Give It 2 U" and sent it to me. And he was NOT being goofy or funny. He was SO DEAD SERIOUS while he was dancing!! The best part was that he was sweaty in the video so you could tell that he had probably been practicing several times before he got just the right one that he wanted to send. If I ever had any doubts about this guy being on drugs, they were all confirmed!!

Needless to say, after having a small breakdown about what my life had become, I shared the video with all of my friends and colleagues. They all thought it was HYSTERICAL and a bit pathetic and got a big kick out of it. I never responded to his video. After that he did go away. I think he finally got the point that I was not interested.

My Take-Aways from Tommy:

* If you think a person has quirks in the beginning, they are probably going to turn into something a little larger than a quirk. He showed me his "crazy" early on but I chose to ignore it. I thought that he was a good guy. I was completely wrong.
* There is a difference between being intoxicated on alcohol alone and being intoxicated on alcohol plus prescription pills. I always thought that he was over the top when he went out and partied…it just took me a little bit to put all of the pieces together. That is definitely not something that I am looking for in a life partner.
* Always stick to your guns when you break things off with someone if the situation is like it was with Tommy. There is no telling where this roller coaster would have taken me if I would have taken him back and given him another chance, but I was not willing to stay on for the ride. I had had enough of him and his nonsense. I had too much to lose in my life to get caught up in childish behavior like that.

What's Mine is NOT Yours

I looked around my kitchen and realized that Tommy had indeed cleaned up the disaster from the night before. All of the food was gone, nothing was on the floor and overall everything seemed back to normal. There was just one thing that was slightly off. One of my chairs from my breakfast table was pulled away from the table and pulled against my cabinet and the cabinet was standing wide open.

Had this been a food cabinet or the cabinet that I kept my dishes in, I would have never even thought twice about it...but this was a different cabinet. This was my medicine cabinet. Why in the world would a chair be pulled up to my medicine cabinet and the door be standing wide open?? Had Tommy needed an Advil for a hangover there would have been no need for a stool for him to peer in the medicine cabinet. That was right in the front. As soon as I walked over and looked in, I could tell that everything had been shuffled through.

I immediately went into search and recovery mode!! I just had a gut feeling that this was not going to end well.

I am quite the medicine hoarder. Anytime I get a prescription, I keep the leftovers just incase I ever need them. I have my own pharmacy going in my medicine cabinet and now it had been violated. I began looking at everything…mostly looking for the more "desirable" drugs that someone might want to take.

It did not take me more than a minute to find what was missing!! I was missing a FULL bottle (30 pills) of Loratab - which I keep on hand because I have kidney stones - and a bottle of Xanax - which were my saving grace when I went through my divorce!! I could NOT believe it!! Tommy had taken drugs out of my house!! I had NEVER had ANYONE steal from me!! I honestly did not know what to do. One part of me felt like I should report him to the police just incase he were to overdose and my name was attached to the bottles, but then I didn't want to be so dramatic.

After I sorted everything out in my head I chose to send him a simple text. It read "Hope you made it home safely, I don't think you and I have a future together." It did not take him long at all to pick up the phone and call me. Of course he was completely SHOCKED that I felt that way. He wanted an explanation. I asked him if he had left my house with anything that wasn't his. Of course he denied it. I told him how my kitchen looked when I came home and what was missing from my drug cabinet. He continued to deny it. I stuck to my guns and ended it.

Within 20 minutes he called me back and admitted to everything and offered to bring the pills back to me. He told me how he likes to take pills when he drinks (which completely explained the crazy drunken state he got into) and that he was sorry. I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him and he could shove the pills up his ass for all that I cared. I felt completely violated that someone had been in my house and gone through my things and just taken whatever they wanted. After all of this he even had the nerve to ask me to please give him another chance. He thought that if he returned the pills, we could pretend like none of this had ever happened and just move on. FAT CHANCE!!

The Hangover Tommy Edition

I was out with my girlfriends on a Friday night. I did not have plans to see Tommy. We had plans for the next night, but I had already declared that Friday night was going to be girls night. We were downtown having a great time and I happened to run in to Tommy and one of his friends. We chatted and all had a drink together and then parted ways. I could tell that he was quite intoxicated but I honestly felt like it was not my issue because I was with my friends, he had his friends and I was not responsible for him or his whereabouts that evening.

As soon as I left him the texting and phone calls began. He wanted to meet up with me again. He wanted to hang out. He wanted to see me. Blah blah blah! I tried to blow him off but I was torn because I WAS interested in this guy so I did kind of want to meet up with him too. I let another hour or so pass and then I gave in and met up with him and his friend.

The Tommy that I met up with was not the Tommy that I had seen earlier in the evening. He was completely inebriated. He literally could not form a sentence. He was hanging all over me and his friend was done with the situation. I was stuck with him. I had to make a game time decision. I loaded his drunk ass into my car and drove him back to my place. With any luck he would pass out in my car and I could just deal with him once I got home. I was hoping for an easy rest of the evening. What I got was anything other than easy.

As soon as I got him in the door he came to life. I told him he needed to go to bed. I had to be up at 6:00AM the next morning to be at an event. I was in no mood for shenanigans. He told me that I could go to bed and he was going to stay up and watch TV for a bit and then he would come to bed. The mistake I made was believing that. Around 2AM I woke up because I heard a loud bang in my kitchen. I jumped out of bed and I found him laying in the floor with a container of ice cream all over him. I don't even know what had happened but all I could tell was that he had fallen and the ice cream had followed. There was food everywhere in my kitchen! There were crackers on the counter, chips out of the cabinet, the milk was out of the fridge. He had even opened a box of Stove Top Stuffing Mix!! This joker was hungry!! He had been binge eating and my kitchen looked like a scene from The Hangover. I was sure that there was a chicken or a tiger somewhere in my house.

I was furious! I forced him to get in bed. I left the mess and told him that he would clean it up in the morning. I got very little sleep for the rest of the night because I was so angry…and maybe a little worried that he might die. I just could not understand how someone could get so drunk and act so ridiculous! He was an adult…not a ridiculous irresponsible teenager! It made no sense.

The next morning I left the house SUPER early. He was, of course, still asleep. I just reminded him that there was a disaster in my kitchen and I expected it to be completely cleaned up when I got back.

I was gone ALL DAY. I didn't return home until almost 6:00 that evening. When I got home he was gone and the mess was cleaned up…however there was something that was just not quite right about my kitchen.

Everyone Has Quirks

Tommy immediately asked me out on a date for the following weekend. I agreed to go out with him. What did I have to lose? Little did I know those would later be famous last words in our relationship.

He picked me up at my house on Saturday night and we went out to a nice dinner. We had sushi and a few cocktails. We spent a lot of time talking over dinner and drinks and really getting to know each other. He was an engineer. He had a great job and he also was working in his spare time developing an app for smart phones. This guy was really smart. I was fairly impressed. We talked about his soccer days in college. It sounded like he was a pretty good athlete, which was always a plus in my book.

After dinner we came back to my house. I invited him in to hang out for a bit with the pups. After the Todd debacle, I learned that it was best just to let someone go ahead and meet the dogs before anything got too serious so I would know whether or not the relationship had potential. He was really sweet to my dogs. He played with them and gave them attention. He officially had passed the dog test.

We hung out and chatted for a little longer and then it was time for him to go. I kissed him goodnight and we made plans to see each other again. I was interested in him. He was cute, smart and he seemed to have his life together.

Over the next couple of months, Tommy and I went out a lot. Things seemed to be really developing between us. I felt we had a real chemistry together. He was a little quirky but overall, a nice guy who I felt I could POSSIBLY potentially maybe :) see a future with. I say that very lightly because I had already learned up to this point in my dating "career" to always proceed with caution. I could never be too sure about the way I felt about things.

There were a few things that I learned during the time that I had spent with Tommy that I felt were just quirks and not red flags or deal breakers. Everyone has quirks, right??

Tommy had two tattoos…that I knew of. One was a wolf howling at the moon and one was a tiger. I always thought that these were very odd tattoos and when I asked him about them the answer that I got was even more odd. The tiger was for power and strength…OK. Got that one. The wolf was because he likes to go outside and howl at the moon just like a wolf! WTF??!!?? Why didn't I run away when I got this response? I think that I honestly thought he was joking. No normal person would ever say something like that. No normal person would do that and he seemed overall pretty normal.

Another thing that made him quirky was during a conversation about going to the beach. We were talking about our favorite things about the beach and what we liked to do at the beach. My response was that I like to relax, swim a little, read a book, drink a good drink and just enjoy the time off work. His response was totally bizarre. He said that he likes to go into the ocean and stand there all day and punch the waves and "fight Poseidon". He said he would even yell at Poseidon and hope that he would get bigger waves. I immediately knew at that point that we would NEVER be taking a beach trip together.

The final thing was he liked to party and he liked to party hard. I had never quite seen anything like it. When he would drink it was like a different level of drunkenness than I had ever seen before. I couldn't even really explain it. He was quite a mystery to me.

Armed with these "quirks", for some reason I still decided that I was going to date him for a little longer. I don't know if I was bored, lonely or I just wanted to see where this ride was going to take me.

Function Over Fashion

After Todd, I decided that I was not going to worry with dating. I was just ready to go out and have fun with my friends. I had some GREAT single friends and we had built a pretty good schedule of going either to happy hour for a casual glass of wine or going out until the wee hours of the morning and partying like a bunch of rockstars. I was having the time of my life. I did not need anyone and I DEFINITELY was not looking for anyone. My one friend and I always joked about how oblivious we were to anyone else in bars other than ourselves. We just went to drink, dance and have fun. We never paid attention to our surroundings…especially the men. We did not go out to meet people. We went out to have fun.

Enter Tommy.

It was an unseasonably cold night and my dear friend and I were out on the town. Neither of us were dressed appropriately for the weather and we did not have a jacket. The only solution that we could find was a pink and black fleece paw printed dog blanket in the back seat of my car. SCORE!! We were going to be warm. Function over fashion, right?!? Now…if we actually cared what people thought about us or we were trying to pick up men, we would have never used a dog blanket to keep warm, but neither of these were the case so the dog blanket worked out just fine.

We used the blanket to wrap up in to walk to the bar and then once inside we draped it over our legs while sitting at the bar having drinks. It was a weeknight so it was not terribly crowded but there were still enough people sitting at the bar that we had "friends" surrounding us. We decided that we needed to get a picture to document our evening with the dog blanket in the bar so I asked the gentleman next to me if he would mind taking a quick picture…and that's where it all started.

He took a picture of us and then wasted no time introducing himself to my friend and I. His name was Tommy. He had just moved to our city about a year ago. He was an engineer. He told me that he played soccer in college for a very reputable university. He seemed like an OK guy. Had I been interested in dating I might have thought that he would have been a good guy to consider. Since I was not interested in dating, I was ready to get back to my friend and ignore him.

That is not what happened. My friend and I ended up talking to him the rest of the evening. He had a really cute smile, a sweet personality and from what I could tell he seemed like a pretty good guy. Before I left he asked me for my number. Hesitantly, I gave it to him. I really felt like he was nice, I just wasn't sure if I was up for trying to date again. I was beginning to feel like everything was failing and I was starting to burn out. After I gave him my number I decided that if he called I would give him a chance. I felt the chances of him calling were about 25%. After all, we met in a bar, we had both had a few drinks and I had a damn dog blanket on as a shawl!! You play those odds!

He called the next day!

Friends??

Todd and I continued to date for a few more weeks. Needless to say he was not invited over to my house anymore. We had so much fun together but the one issue that we could not get past was the subject of my dogs. This was something that he was not going to cave on and I absolutely would not EVER compromise on my dogs.

It was very difficult for me to comprehend how everything could seem so spot on with a person and something as trivial as whether a dog lives in your house or outside of your house could be the breaking point. However, it was a definite deal breaker with me because these dogs were NEVER going to live outside and that was that. I could never even imagine anything different for them.

Todd and I eventually decided that we were not going to have a future together romantically. It was a mutual decision and was probably the most mature, adult break-up conversation I had had with someone up to this point. We basically just sat down and agreed that due to this huge point of contention we would never be able to see a future together so we needed to stop things before they got too much more involved. We laughed about how trivial it sounded, I gave him a nickname "Dog Hater Todd" and then we agreed that we would remain friends because we truly enjoyed each other's company so much.

I believe that it is rare to actually remain friends with someone who you have dated and had an intimate relationship with. Usually it is very hard to go back to a platonic relationship…especially if you never had that in the first place. Todd and I have been the exception to that!! We have turned in to really good friends! We talk about once a week. We still see each other occasionally. We have just as much fun together as friends as we did when we dated. There is definitely still an attraction there but we just have to draw the line and know that we have decided to be friends. Occasionally if we're both single we will sneak a kiss in but that is where we draw the line :) I am so thankful to have him in my life as a friend because he is a fantastic person. I would much rather our situation have ended up as it has then ended up in any other way.

My Take-Aways from Todd:

* There are good guys out there. Todd was the first really good, quality, successful guy that I dated. It was encouraging to me to finally find someone that was on the same page as me and shared the same goals!! Even though it didn't work out with him, it made me set my bar a little higher and made me realize that I can find a quality guy if I am just willing to wait for the right one.
* When you feel like you see little red flags, don't dismiss them…pay attention. More than likely they turn into big issues. The entire dog situation could have been avoided had I just listened and taken him seriously when he told me that he hated indoor dogs.
* When you know that a relationship is not going anywhere it is best to go ahead a scrap it. Don't drag it out even if you feel like everything else feels good about it. If there is one huge issue that you will never get past, end the relationship. Fortunately Todd and I ended it early enough that emotions were not so involved and we could not salvage a friendship.

MUST Love Dogs!!

Saturday had FINALLY arrived and Todd was on his way to my house! I was so excited to see him again! It seemed like it had been forever since we had been together. I was so excited to see him and I absolutely could not wait for him to walk in my door! We were planning to relax at my house and watch a movie and then go to dinner Saturday night. Nothing too fancy…we just really wanted to spend time together and continue getting to know each other.

He had finally arrived at my house. My dogs were barking like heathens, just as they always do when anyone arrives. I was trying to control them and greet him at the same time. As soon as he came in the door, I realized that he was very serious about not liking indoor dogs. He didn't greet my dogs. He didn't pet my dogs. He just stared at them with this look of total disgust. I was honestly in shock!! I could not believe that he was not being friendly to my dogs. After all, they are not scary creatures…they weigh roughly 10 pounds a piece and have silky white hair and all they want is your undivided love and attention. In no way did I think they could ever be intimidating!

But, here I was…finding myself in the middle of a stare down between the 34 year old man I was dating and my 2 white fluffy dogs!! All I could do to break the ice was laugh and say "OK, you have met the pups!" He finally began "interacting" (and I use that word very lightly) with them. I thought "OK…maybe this is going to be fine." He seemed to be warming up to them and I felt like he might have just needed a little time to get used to the idea.

MAN WAS I WRONG!! Before I knew it he was literally chasing them through my house and scaring the bejesus out of both of them! I had NEVER seen either of my dogs react to any human the way they were reacting to Todd! They were literally running from him, with their tails down and trying to hide anywhere that they could! They even ran behind the sofa which I'm quite sure was the first time they had EVER been back there! I was so upset with the entire situation!!! The worst thing about it was that now Todd thought it was funny!! He was literally TERRORIZING my two babies and getting joy out of it. It had to stop. I put my foot down and told him that he could ABSOLUTELY NOT treat them that way! This was their house and HE was the visitor!

I think he might have gotten a little embarrassed because he did immediately stop and he apologized to me but it was too late. I was not happy and my poor dogs were completely traumatized. They would not even come near him. This was NOT good!

Needless to say, it did not set a good tone for the rest of the date. We hung out at my house for a little while but I honestly was ready to get him away from my dogs and to give my poor dogs a break from him! We went to dinner and I did bring up the subject of the dogs because I felt like it was something that needed to be discussed. I asked him why he acted the way that he did with the dogs and what his issue was with indoor dogs.

He had a story about his childhood where he got bitten by a small dog and how he never quite got over that. I kind of understood, but I was also thinking that he needed to man up a little because at the end of the day these weren't Pit Bulls or Dobermans, they were TINY 10 pound nothings!!! Then the real truth came out about why he hated indoor dogs so much. He went into a huge litany about how unclean indoor dogs were and how dirty they make furniture. Even if you can't see the dirt it is still there because they use the bathroom outside, don't wipe themselves and then come inside and sit on your furniture. He said they are disgusting and belong outdoors!

AND…there it was!!! I had found the point of contention for Todd and I!

The Tiny Red Flag Waving in the Distance

After our first date, Todd and I were really into each other. We started talking often and we made plans to get together a second time. This time I was going to be in his city for work. I already had a hotel room booked for the night (as I always did when I worked in that particular city) so we planned to meet up for cocktails after work and then grab dinner. Once again, the connection was instant and the chemistry was magical between us. After dinner he wanted to go to his house to watch a movie. I thought that sounded like a great idea because I absolutely did not want to leave him.

We went to his house and I became even more impressed with him. This was no bachelor pad. He had really worked hard to make this house seem like a home. He had very nice furniture, it was nicely decorated and the house was HUGE! Plus, it looked out over a lake and had the most picturesque view. We cuddled up on the couch and started a movie. I honestly don't even remember the movie that we watched because we didn't watch too much of it. We were like two high school kids who were just so wildly attracted to each other! It was nuts!! After the movie was over, I realized that it was once again way too late on a work night and I had to drive back to my hotel. I was not willing to stay over with him yet so I had to go "home". It's really hard to make responsible decisions when all you want to do is be irresponsible but that is part of being an adult and dating versus dating in college.

The next morning I met him for a breakfast date. We decided that we needed to maximize our time together while we were actually in the same city. After a quick bite to eat and a kiss goodbye I was on my way.

I was not going to see him again until the weekend. I was beginning to see that a long-distance relationship was going to be a little different than anything else I had tried thus far but since we both had such flexible work schedules, I thought that we travelled to each other's cities enough that we could make it work.

We continued talking constantly throughout the remainder of the week and we made plans to get together the following weekend. He was going to come up and spend the day on Saturday and then we would go out Saturday night. I felt like we had talked a lot up until this point and I honestly felt like I knew a lot about him. We had had many long conversations on the phone and I was really getting to know him well.

I knew about his job, his family, friends, religious views and beliefs. I knew what his goals were in life and what he was looking for in a companion. One thing that threw up a red flag in our conversations was the fact that he told me that he did not like small indoor dogs. I did not take this too seriously because I initially thought he was joking around and giving me a hard time because I had 2 small indoor dogs who were my world. They were like my children. I blew off his concerns because I just thought "What kind of weirdo doesn't like small dogs?" I just knew this could not really be a THING! After all…you have to be heartless to not like dogs and Todd was definitely not heartless!

So…I ignored the small, tiny red flag waving in the distance and proceeded on to the Saturday date. It was going to be fine! We were going to have a blast just as we always had!!

Late Night Cocktails and Shenenigans

I went about a month without dating anyone. I had just lost interest and decided that I needed a break from the entire dating scene for a while. I was not doing any sort of online dating and I decided that I was not going to actively pursue anyone. If someone happened to come into my life, that was fine, but no looking for anyone. After a little while of this hiatus, a client of mine decided that they had someone that I should meet. He was in the same field as me and they thought that we would be a good match. I was not really super interested in dating, but since it was a client, I felt a bit obligated to at least entertain the idea.

She did all of the leg work as far as exchanging our numbers and names. I left everything up to him to contact me. Within a couple of days I received a phone call from him. His name was Todd. We hit it off immediately on the phone. We had so much to talk about. We had the same client's that we worked with so that in itself gave us a huge conversation starter. Plus, Todd was hilarious!! That was a major plus for me since I absolutely LOVE a man with a sense of humor. I had so much fun talking to him on the phone. We began talking a lot during the day. We both had fairly flexible schedules so it allowed for lots of phone time and lots of time for text messages to be exchanged.

The more I got to know about him, the more intrigued I became. This guy had his life together. He was strong in his faith, he had a GREAT job and he had a great family. He even had a 3 story house that he OWNED…not owed a mortgage on…but OWNED and he was 34 years old! He was a far cry from the other guys I had been dating, and a complete 180 from my ex-husband. I was absolutely impressed with him and his drive to succeed in life.

After a couple weeks of a lot of talking, Todd and I decided that it was definitely time to meet face-to-face. We lived in two different cities, but our jobs afforded us the opportunity to work in each other's cities so we decided that the next time one of us was working in the other's city, we would have dinner. Well, it happened within a day. He was in my city working and was going to be there for the night. We made plans to go eat dinner. I was so excited to finally meet him in person! I had seen his picture on Facebook and I knew he was cute but I could not wait to spend time with him.

We met at a local restaurant for cocktails and dinner. It was an INSTANT connection. He was not just cute…he was HOT!! We literally talked the entire time and there was an undeniable chemistry between us! It was honestly the best first date that I had been on in a VERY long time. The connection between us was just so good! We ended up walking around outside and talking for almost 2 hours after dinner. It was so nice to just connect with someone on this level. I felt like I had known him for years and it was our first date.

While we were walking around, we found a bench in a secluded area. That was when he kissed me. We ended up making out right there on the bench. I am not one to do that in a public area, but put a few cocktails in me, give me a great connection with a hot guy and I guess I will change my mind. Plus, it was a week night…there was no one around to witness my shenenigans.

I ended up staying out with him until around 1:30AM. We spent the entire night talking, making out and talking some more. I just remember that I absolutely did not want to go home but I knew that it was best that I did. I just did not want the night to end!!

The Mama's Boy

The next guy I met was named Jamey. Jamey and I actually met during the time that I was online dating and I met Jed and Don but I told him that I was seeing someone. We decided to become Facebook friends and keep in touch. Once Don and I broke things off, Jamey and I began chatting more. I had never really talked to him too much prior to this since I was dating Don at the time so it was my first real chance to get to know him.

At first glance he seemed like a super cute guy and he told me how much he loved working out and being active which was a huge plus for me. I decided that I would give him a chance and that maybe we could just talk a little more before we actually went on a date.

Once I started paying more attention to Jamey's Facebook profile and pictures, I began to notice that his mom was VERY involved. He had multiple profile pictures of he and his mom and any time he would post a picture or a status, his mom would be one of the first to comment. Now, while I thought this was a little strange, I didn't let it scare me off. We kept talking for about a week. There were definitely signs that I noticed that he was possibly a little desperate for someone to date. I just was not in that same place. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was just looking for something casual and fun.

He finally made the move and asked me out. The date that he had in mind was for me to come over to his house, we would watch a football game, and he was going to make rotel dip and pigs-in-a-blanket. YES…he was that specific about the menu! I just honestly could not do it. First, I had learned from my experience with Jed that I would never EVER have a first date at someone's house again. Second, when I really sat down and thought about it, the mom thing really creeped me out. I want to be with someone who loves their mother and treats them well, but there is a fine line between love and creepy obsession. And third, the fact that he was so specific about what he was going to prepare for appetizers just really annoyed me for some reason.

After I turned him down for a date, he turned into the weird Facebook "status updater". One example was "Enjoyed hanging out by myself so much this past weekend that I think I might do it again this weekend…gotta have some company though…hmmmm". Then of course, his mother would comment about coming to see him and keeping him company. It was just altogether too creepy. I honestly believe I dodged a HUGE bullet on this one. All in all, after a couple more text messages and weird Facebook status updates, he bowed out gracefully. He was one of the overall less dramatic, but still interesting, ones that I have come across.

The Talk

I remember it so clearly. I felt like the most heartless person in the world. Don knew something was wrong that morning when I chose to talk with him. I had finally built up the gall to break his heart. I told him how I honestly felt...that I just could not see forever with him. I felt as if we had jumped into this relationship and I was just not ready to settle down this soon after my divorce. I knew I needed to date more people and learn more about what I wanted. I knew that Don was going to be upset, what I didn't know was how upset he would be. He began literally sobbing. I did not know what to do. I had already made my decision and there was no going back. The fact that he was crying was not going to change my mind.

He was begging and pleading with me. I don't know if he was more upset about being without me or about the fact that he was realizing that he had nowhere to go and no vehicle to go in. I told him that he did need to leave the house but that he could use my vehicle for a week until he found something else. The funny thing was, he was doing all of the crying and I did not shed a tear. This served as definite closure to me on the fact that he was NOT the right person for me. I was honestly just ready for him to leave so I could start to move on with my life. 

He packed up his belongings, loaded them into the truck and left. I felt nothing but relief. I had dealt with his depression and mopey ways long enough. I was ready to be happy. I thought that after I got my truck back I would be completely done with him. I was absolutely wrong about that. He did not let it go. He started out just calling and asking me to please try again. I told him that I was done. I thought this was probably pretty normal for any break-up. I imagined that after a few weeks of me telling him "no" that this would end. 

It only got worse. Don turned in to full-blown crazy stalker. Several times he showed up in the same place that I was. I caught him following me more than once. He even went as far as getting a storage unit in the same building as me. He would call or text me continuously trying to get me to meet up with him or go eat or just talk to him. It was really unacceptable and somewhat scary the way he was behaving. No rational person should ever behave in this manner. It was beginning to make me feel very uncomfortable. One night he texted me to ask me if he could pick up my dog and take him for a few hours to play!! I told him that ABSOLUTELY would NEVER happen. I think that he was crazy enough that he would have held my dog hostage until I spoke to him again. This behavior went on for weeks, months and…get ready for it…almost 2 years after I broke up with him!!!

It finally got to the point that I had to get REALLY nasty with him and tell him exactly like it was. I told him flat out that he never meant anything to me, he was nothing but a rebound and that he would never have a chance with me. I felt horrible for being so nasty but I felt that if I was harsh with him he might at least get the point and leave me alone. He still called a few more times after that. There was even an instance where he posted my picture to his Facebook page in an effort to harass me. When I finally realized that he was not going to stop I threatened him with legal action. This seemed to work. I have not heard anything from him since…although it has not been long enough that I am positive he has completely disappeared :)

My Takeaways from Don:
* It is absolutely OK and good to have a rebound after you come out of a divorce or a long-term relationship. These relationships are good for you to put everything into perspective and to realize what it is that you want. I believe that you have to have this "rebound" relationship to be able to completely heal and get on the right path to dating again.
* When a man begins showing signs that he depends too much on you financially or emotionally, it is time to run for the hills!! It is always nice to feel wanted or needed but there is a fine line between that and being taken advantage of. I had to determine where that line was and once I realized that it had been crossed I knew it was time to end it and move on.
* It takes a while to truly get to know someone. In the beginning I felt that everything was wonderful with Don. Once we got to know each other better and I learned how he dealt with stress, I learned that he was not the type of man I wanted to be with. Plus, after the break-up he showed his true colors and I saw how crazy he really was.
* Don't introduce someone to your family too quickly…everyone gets attached and emotionally involved and it makes the entire situation more complicated. This probably seems like a basic take-away but it was a new concept to me because I was so new at this.

Oh well...I was happier and much better off without him!! I was definitely due a little "me time" after that one. Maybe I could fit the next guy in there somewhere.

Oh Bother!!

Don began having trouble at work. He was telling me stories about his roommate, who was also his boss, and all of the pressure that he was under. He would tell me about how his roommate was "storing"work equipment at their house. I honestly knew no better so I believed his story. One day he came to my house and he told me that he and he roommate had both lost their jobs because their company was going to close down operations in this area. This seemed like a bizarre story since it was a construction company, they were in the middle of a huge project and Don and his roommate were in charge of the project. Needless to say, I believed it…even though I had my doubts. Looking back, I now realize they both got fired, probably for "storing" that equipment at their house.

Well, losing his job brought out an entirely different side of Don. I truly believe that when something major like that happens in one's life, you either sink or swim. You find a way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on or you just shrivel up and die. Well, Don was the latter. He became so mopey and depressed and every day was a struggle to be around him. He was the equivalent of Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh. I could literally picture him walking around the house saying "Oh Bother!!" This was VERY hard for me since I was just getting to such a happy place in my life, I absolutely refused to go back.

I tried and tried to help him find a job and he just seemed to have no motivation. He would apply for positions and he was not finding anything. Before too long I realized that I could not be with someone that crashed under pressure like this. I needed someone who was stronger than that. I needed someone who was able to thrive when the going got rough. I was too strong of a person to be with anyone who was weak.

I remember toward the end of our relationship being absolutely disgusted with what he had allowed himself to turn into. I knew at this point that I absolutely was not, and probably had never been, in love with him. He was purely a rebound from my marriage. He was exactly what I needed at the time to get me through the rough patch I was in after an awful divorce, but I knew if I stayed with him any longer I would quite possibly end up divorced again, and THAT was NOT going to happen!! It was time to be a big girl and have my first real "break-up" talk in almost 8 years! I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't just quit talking to him because he was living with me. By this point, he had let his lease on his house expire, he was jobless, and he was still driving my truck!!! As you can see, it would have been easy to put this one off…but I was miserable, I HAD to end it. The talk had to happen!!

Hindsight Is 20/20

Now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on my relationship with Don and see what were definite red flags in our relationship. The first huge red flag was that he was not very different from my ex-husband in the fact that he took advantage of what I had to offer financially.

In the beginning of our relationship, I mentioned previously that Don started staying over at my house every night. What I didn't mention is that he quickly started accumulating his stuff at my house and before I knew if he had basically moved in with me. He still received mail at his old place that he rented but he had literally begun to move furniture in to my house. I never put a stop to this because at the time I felt like I was in love with him and I was honestly just happy to have companionship again. Even though he was living with me, he never offered to pay any of the utility bills (which he evenly consumed) or contribute to my mortgage. He did pay for groceries though which I was grateful for because that in itself was more than I ever got out of my ex-husband.

Then, there was the issue of the truck. Yes…the infamous truck that had been a pain in my ass since my separation from my husband. Don had the idea that he would drive the truck once a week, just to keep it running and on the road, until I was able to sell it. At first I thought this was a great idea because no vehicle needs to sit without being run for months on end and I had no idea when I would be able to ever sell it. Well, one day a week turned in to two which turned in to every other day and before I knew it Don had come to me and suggested that he was going to sell his vehicle and drive my truck until he found another. He did offer to pay me while he used it which was more generous than I expected him to be. Once again, I was compassionate…and STUPID…and I told him that was fine.

Weeks passed and it became apparent that he was not going to buy another vehicle. This really began to annoy me because I felt like he was putting miles on a vehicle that I was trying to sell. However, I let things go because at this point in my life I was still quite damaged and I did not have much of a backbone…nor did I really care.

Don and I took several vacations together. Most of which were in some way or another paid for by me or my family. Whether we were using my hotel points from traveling with work, going on a family vacation with my parents or on a work trip with my job, everything was initiated and provided for by me. As I said previously, these are all things that I can see clearly now but when I was in the situation I just went with it because I really cared about the guy.

When we went to the beach with my dad's entire side of the family, he won over my family. Everyone loved him…check. When we went on my work trip I felt as if he fit in well with my co-workers…check. When I went with him to one of his best friends weddings I had a great time with his college friends…check. So why get upset about the fact that I am providing all of this entertainment when we are having such a great time?!?

I honestly would have looked past all of these red flags and dated Don for a very long time. I felt like he was the one for me and I thought I was happy. The only thing was I quickly was about to realize how unhappy I was…and I didn't need hindsight to show me!

Throwback Thursday - The Truck Retrieval

I know that I very briefly discussed the details of my marriage and my divorce but there are certain parts that need to be filled in to make some of my future references make sense. Hence, the Throwback Thursday Post, or TBT as it is more commonly referred to on social media.

When my husband and I separated, it was his idea. He thought that if we separated, it would give us a chance to have a little time apart, clear our heads and work on our marriage. Less than a month later I found out that he had a girlfriend. I completely lost my mind. I was DEVASTATED!! Fast forward about 6 months. He moved back in and we were in counseling and working on our marriage. Within a few weeks, he was back to his normal sketchy ways of not coming home at night, "working late" and not answering my phone calls.  I knew something was not right.

One night I decided to do a little "research" on my own. I went to the two bars that I knew he frequented. I found his truck at the first. He was standing outside of his truck talking to a girl. I observed for a while and then decided to make my move. I pulled my car up and confronted him. It did not end well at all. This was the girl he had been cheating on me with all of this time. Needless to say, this was the end of our marriage. We filed for divorce within a couple of weeks.

However, even though we had filed, the divorce was not final for several months and he refused to return the truck (which was in my name and which I paid over $700 a month for) to me. I begged him, threatened him, bribed him and still could not get him to budge. I remember being in such a dark place that I hoped that he would wreck the truck and die in the accident so that I could get the truck insurance and life insurance money as well. Yes, I said it. That's the place I was in. Looking back now I can't believe that I could hate someone so much but he was putting me through such literal hell that I absolutely hated him. So that's where I was, hating the man who I had promised to love forever. My how things can change!!

My dad was such a saving grace for me during this entire time. He was not going to let me live like this and he wanted that truck back just as badly as I did. He helped me come up with a plan to try to get it back. We went to the car dealership and convinced them to make an extra key for me, but the issue was that I could not find the vehicle. An extra key did me no good if I could not locate the truck. One night my dad and I drove around until midnight searching for that truck to no avail. I felt so defeated. I honestly thought I would never get it back.

Enter Don…one night I had been at my parent's house for dinner. On my way home I decided to swing by one of the bars that my ex-husband frequented. SCORE!!! He was there!! I could NOT believe it! Don and I had begun dating at this point and he was willing to help me in the truck retrieval process. I remember it like it was yesterday. We pulled up to the bar and parked across the street. I ran over and unlocked the truck with the valet key that the dealership had made for me. As soon as I unlocked it the lights started flashing and the horn started honking! I was scared to death because I could literally see my ex-husband in the bar playing pool. I was able to get everything shut off and be inside the truck. I found the extra set of keys and started it to reset all of the alarms. As soon as I did all of this my ex-husband walked outside! I was laying in the backseat of his truck while he was standing outside of the truck smoking a cigarette and talking to someone! What was I going to do if he got in the truck?!? I was terrified!

Fortunately he went back inside. Don immediately came over and pulled all of the spark plugs off of the truck. He said this would make the truck not drivable and then we could get it towed when my ex-husband left it there overnight…or at least that was the plan. So we left and went home to wait it out. Within 2 hours my phone was ringing and my ex-husband was on the other end SCREAMING at me telling me that he knew I had messed up HIS truck and he was on his way to my house to talk. I told him I had done nothing and that it was my truck and to leave me alone and not come over. He was at my house in 10 minutes banging on the door! I was scared to death. He was yelling and cursing at me and there was no way I was going to let him come inside.

I called the cops, simply to have them ask him to leave. Once the police got to my house, they ended up arresting him for public intoxication. This was absolutely NOT what I wanted to happen to him…even though that may be hard to believe considering how much I said I hated him. The only good thing that came from it was when they arrested him the truck stayed on my street so I was able to have it towed away to a secure location and he was unable to get it back. The truck was finally mine!!

Looking Through Rose Colored Glasses

Don and I began to spend a lot of time together. We started seeing each other every day and before I knew it he was staying over at my house every night. I was absolutely CRAZY about him. I remember one evening I was cooking dinner and he was in the kitchen talking to me and he said "So, how was your day today?" Something as simple as this just knocked me off of my feet. It was just so unreal to me that I was having such a NORMAL relationship with someone who was interested in what was going on in my life. During my marriage, I would walk in the door and IF my husband was home, he would be upstairs watching TV or playing video games and he would not even acknowledge my presence. Don was actually interested in ME! I was really falling for this guy!!

Things were good, life was good, I was finally happy! Plus…he had GREAT friends who I was quickly growing to adore. I remember a month or so into our relationship we were at my house one Saturday, laying on the couch and he looked at me and told me that he was in love with me!! I was SO HAPPY!! I felt like I loved him too! I was on CLOUD 9! I thought I had finally found "the one" who I was supposed to be with!

My family absolutely ADORED him! He was such a charming guy. They quickly grew to like him more than they even liked me. I felt like things were going so great.

I remember meeting his parents for the first time and thinking that he had the best family. I really wanted to be with someone who had fantastic parents because my ex-husband's parents and I never had that great relationship that you would love to have with your in-laws. I really could not believe that things seemed to be going so smoothly!!

I was living in a complete dream world and looking at everything through rose colored glasses. I had rebounded from a horrible divorce and met a wonderful man and I felt as if everything was going to be great from here on out! He was a nice guy, he was cute, and we had so much fun together…and I loved him! What more could I want?? After all…I had seen NO red flags…or had I?

The Don

The next guy was named Don. Don and I had been chatting back and forth for a couple of weeks now. After the incident with Jed, I was a little gun-shy but I had definitely learned from it so I was just going to push forward and try not to make the same mistakes twice. Don lived in the same city as I. The important things that I knew about him was that he was employed, he had a dog, he seemed really friendly and he was tall (or so he said). We decided that we would meet out for dinner at a local Thai restaurant. I went into this date with the lowest of expectations because of what I had experienced from the last on-line dating incident.

The first date was GREAT! We met and had dinner and drinks at the restaurant. Unlike my previous experience, he actually did look like his profile picture! We talked the entire time. We seemed to have a lot in common. He honestly seemed like a really fun and nice guy! I was super excited. After dinner I told him goodbye. There was no kiss, just a side hug. I was honestly just trying to take things slow and not rush things with him.

The next morning I had a 5:30AM flight out for work. I was going to be gone for a couple of days. I remember sitting on the tarmac and getting a text message from Don that said "I had a great time last night. Have a great trip and have fun." I remember thinking…"Wow…I don't know the last time I ever got a message like that when leaving for a work trip". During my marriage the night before a work trip and morning of were always surrounded with HUGE arguments because I had an extremely jealous husband. He made sure to make my entire trip a living hell. It was nice to see that there could be a change of pace.

Don texted me nice things while I was gone. It was really sweet. It actually made me look forward to coming back home so that we could do something that weekend. I couldn't believe it! I was looking forward to going on a 2nd date with someone! I was going to get home late on Friday evening so we planned to go to dinner the following Saturday night. This time I actually had expectations that we would have a good time.

On our second date, we went to dinner. Once again, we had the best time together. I was really starting to get optimistic about this Don guy!! After we finished dinner he mentioned that several of his friends were having drinks at a bar across town and they wanted us to join them. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! He wanted to introduce me to his FRIENDS!!! Now, you might think…"what's the big deal with this?" Well, let me just explain. During my marriage I lived in a completely different world from my husband. He kept me totally isolated from his friends in the city that we lived in. The only thing that I knew was their names…or supposed names. Never once in almost 3 years did I meet these friends. It was something that was a HUGE point of contention in our marriage. Hindsight, I now know the reasons that he was keeping his life so secretive but at the time I really could make no sense of it all.

Fast forward to date #2 with Don. He wanted to introduce me to his friends. MAJOR BONUS POINTS!! We went across town to the bar and had a couple of drinks with his friends. They were all great and I was so excited to be meeting all of these new people. At this point Don was a winner in my book!!

It's A Long Road Home

It only took him 30 minutes to call once he had left. I thought, "Oh good, he is calling to apologize for how inappropriate he was the night before and this morning" so I decided to answer the phone. On the other end of that phone was no apology…it was a screaming man telling me how awful of a person I was for kicking him out of my house and making him drive back home in a rainstorm. He called me a bitch, told me I was a piece of shit and was screaming like a CRAZY man! Needless to say…if I didn't realize it the night before, I quickly realized I dodged not just a bullet, but a missile!

I remained calm on the phone and told him that he would not speak to me in that manner. I informed him that we would not be speaking again after this interaction and that I hoped that he had a safe trip home in the big bad rainstorm (which people drive in everyday). He called over and over again and I would not answer his calls because I knew how crazy he was acting and I was not going to deal with it at that moment.

The following day he called again. I answered. He was singing a completely different tune. He apologized for the way he had acted, and he informed me that we should be together because he makes enough money to take care of me and that is what I need. Oh yes!!! That will solve all of my problems…sense the sarcasm?!? I told him once again that this would not happen and to please just forget about the weekend. To this day…over 2 years later I will still get an occasional text from "Psycho Jed" as he is now stored in my phone. Some are just checking in to see what's up, and some have been pictures of some guy's chest…but definitely not his. He must have forgotten I have seen his!

What I learned from this interaction…my "take-away's":
* NEVER EVER have a guy over to your house on a first date…even if you know him. First dates are best in public places and you should ALWAYS ALWAYS meet each other there.
* When online dating you never know what you will get. Don't expect the person to show up and look exactly like their profile picture or even be who they really say they are. It is easy to hide behind a computer.
* It is OK to end a situation immediately if you are uncomfortable. You are the only one who is in charge when it comes to you and your happiness (and safety). If you do not feel OK with how things are progressing, leave…or in this instance…kick them out IMMEDIATELY.
* Size DOES matter! You know that line "it's not the size of the boat, its the motion in the ocean"…well, I can't say for sure but from pure speculation of what I saw there could be a hurricane in that ocean and it would never be enough.

Now that I was armed with all of these take-away's from my first date I was ready to conquer the dating world. I was confident that this was just a bump in the road and I was excited to meet the next guy. I just knew it was going to be better.

Not All Small Things Are Cute

After we finished with our wine and watching TV I was ready for bed. That's when Jed decided to make his first move. He went in to kiss me. Since I had consumed a good bit of alcohol I thought one kiss couldn't hurt anything. One kiss and that was it…I was going to bed and so was he. Well, of course that is not what happened. He was relentless in his pushing. His goal was to go much further than kissing. I had stopped things before they got too carried away.

By this point I knew that it was time for him to go upstairs to his bedroom and for me to go to mine. I showed him where everything was upstairs and then went back downstairs thinking that I had avoided all of the awkwardness for the night. As I was cleaning up the house, he decided to make one final appearance downstairs…the grand finale, if you will…this time in nothing but his birthday suit! He stood there in all of his glory, as proud as he could be and said "Hey baby! Is it big enough for you??" I was so shocked and horrified that I didn't know what to do! All of that aside, all I could do was stare…and let me tell you, there is a reason this man is single! Two words…MICRO PENIS!

It was like that scene from The Hangover when the Asian man jumps naked out of the trunk! All I could think of was how incredibly small his penis was, how out of shape he truly was without a shirt on and how tan he was for winter! It was HORRENDOUS! I was so uncomfortable, weirded-out, and amazed at the same time! I could not believe what I was seeing right in the middle of my living room! I immediately coaxed him back upstairs, went to my room, locked my door and cried because this is what my life had become! The rest of the night was quiet.

The following morning it was stormy. As soon as I woke up, I smelled the wonderful scent of burning sausage. I could hear someone in the kitchen. I immediately jumped out of bed to see what in the world was going on. As soon as I opened the door there it was AGAIN! A naked man…this time in my apron cooking breakfast! Please just stop for a minute and picture it…I open my bedroom door and the first thing I'm greeted by is a tanned ass with MY KITCHEN APRON tied around it! What did he think he was going to accomplish? My kitchen was full of smoke from the burnt sausage and I was not happy. I told him it was time for him to go. I had reached the breaking point with this visit. He went upstairs, packed up his 2 duffel bags and was on his way. One would think after the previous nights and mornings events he would just bow out, cut his losses and move on…oh no my friends! That was not the case! Not in the least!

A Freshly Hatched Chick's First Date

The first guy that I decided to go out on a date with was named Jed. He did not live in my city but lived about an hour and a half north. We had talked back and forth for a couple of weeks and he seemed like a nice enough guy…or at least nice enough to go on a date with.

This was his story. He was a professional baseball player who had to quit due to an injury. He was now living in this city doing sales (or something) for work. According to what I could tell from his pictures he seemed like a really good looking guy and when I heard baseball player I was sold because I had always been somewhat of a cleat chaser :)

So, we decided to make some solid plans. Being that I was so new to this dating world I did not know how to begin with this. Since he was coming from out of town that really threw another dynamic into the entire situation…if we went to dinner and had a couple of drinks, where would he stay? Well, the obvious answer now that I'm smarter and more experienced is a HOTEL…however, let's remember that I was a freshly hatched chick into this scary dating world so I thought he could just stay in the extra bedroom at my house. Surely that would be safe and nothing could possibly go wrong. Hmmm…

Well, Jed came down on Friday afternoon. He showed up in a brand new black Toyota 4-Runner complete with big tires and rims and LOUD speakers. As soon as he hopped out of his "cool" truck my first impression was that he was much shorter than I imagined and that he looked like he had probably gained 35 pounds since any of his last pictures were taken. He asked me whether or not I liked his truck because he customized it with me in mind! Seriously?!? Just incase you want to keep up…RED FLAG #1.

As Jed was getting out of his too cool for school black Toyota 4-Runner, he popped the back hatch and grabbed not 1 but 2 duffel bags!!! What was this guy doing?!? Moving in?? Yes, that would be RED FLAG # 2. I was trying to be cool and go with it. After all, I had not told him that he was my FIRST DATE since my divorce. I wanted him to think that I was good at this. He brought his bags into my house and put them down. I decided we needed to get this show on the road and head out to dinner.

We went and grabbed a bite to eat, had a couple of drinks over dinner and came back to my house. Dinner was pleasant but I was by no means blown away by this guy. From what I can recall after we got back I opened a bottle of wine, purely trying to drink my sorrows away because I had already come to the conclusion that this was not going to end well. However, it was late and we had both had a good bit to drink so I was not going to ship him off to drive home…after all, I'm not that heartless. Little did I know this date was nowhere near over!

It's Just Like Online Shopping…For Men

That was the sales pitch my friend used to convince me to sign up for online dating. "It's just like online shopping, but rather than looking at shoes and handbags, you're searching for your future husband." I was intrigued by this and thought it might be right up my alley when she put it that way. After all, I am on a first name basis with my UPS delivery guy because I spend so much time browsing and shopping on the internet. So, after completing my profile, I was officially a member of the online dating community. I was "shopping" for a husband.

Within 5 minutes of going active on the site, I had received my first communication from someone. I could not believe that this worked so fast!! I had an email from a guy!! Being completely new to this world (and the dating world in general) I had no idea what to do with this. I immediately phoned a friend and asked for advice. I didn't know what to say, what not to say, when to respond, the list goes on and on. Before I could get off of the phone I had another email from another guy!! THIS WAS NUTS! I could not BELIEVE that I was getting all of this attention. After all…didn't they see that I was DIVORCED?!? Why in the world would they want to talk to me?

Before the end of the first two days on the website I would guess that I had received emails from 15-20 different people. There were some who I know that I did not even respond to…not because I was being rude or mean, but because I was so entirely overwhelmed with the whole process. It literally turned into a full time job on top of my real full time job. I was beginning to feel like I needed a personal assistant to help me communicate with my newfound plethora of men. Needless to say…I was beginning to see what my friend meant when she said that this would offer a great confidence boost. I was really beginning to feel a little better about myself and see that there might be a little hope for me in the single world that I had just been thrown back in to.

I found it fairly easy to decide whether or not I was interested in the guys after we had messaged back and forth a few times. I found that was sufficient to see if we really had much in common. That is when I would decide whether or not I wanted to give them my number so that we could text. I thought that texting might be a much easier way to handle the communication.

By the end of the first week or so, after all of the craziness of multiple multiple emails and text messages, I had decided to limit my communication to two people. I thought that these two were ones who I might be interested in potentially meeting face-to-face. I was very hesitant but also optimistic. I had decided to not close the door on any new prospects, but at that point it was hard for someone new to come in to the picture because I felt I had gotten to know these two guys a little better.

So that was that…it was time to meet these boys!

The Monster(s) Inside of Me

I never knew that I could feel so many emotions at one time. When I went through my divorce I was a broken person. I remember feeling relief because there would be no more sleepless nights wondering whether or not my husband would come home. I felt anger toward him and the entire world. I felt as if I had been betrayed. I felt as if I was being judged by everyone because my marriage had fallen apart. I was scared to death to be 28 years old and divorced! What did that say about me?? I remember telling several people that I felt as if I was walking around with a scarlet "D" pinned to my shirt. I was outright ashamed because I had failed.

This was my situation as I saw it. I was 28, DIVORCED, paying half of my EX-husbands debt and stuck with his brand new truck (which was in my name also). I was no hot commodity for any man! I was sure to die alone!! My self-confidence was at an ALL TIME low. I honestly did not know where to begin in the scary single world. To add to it, I was also living in a city that I had never been single in before! I was terrified! My solution was to just sit at home in my pity and drink wine with the blinds shut. That would solve all of my problems, right?

Fortunately, one of my dear friends had been through my situation. She was a true life saver for me during this dark scary time. She talked to me, listened to me and eventually suggested that I try the world of online dating. I flat out REFUSED. I was not going to be one of "those people". After all…they're just desperate and I was NOT desperate. But she had several fantastic arguments for why I should try online dating:

1) I have never dated in this city and it is a fantastic way to meet people who I would not normally meet. OK…now she had my attention.
2) I needed a confidence booster. Yep…I would say she was spot on with that one and little did I know how much of a confidence boost this would give.
3) There is nothing to lose as long as you are safe about it. KEY WORDS…"safe about it". This was my biggest concern with online dating. I felt like these were people who I did not know and it worried me but what the heck…I'll meet them out for the first date. What can go wrong???

So I reluctantly took the first steps to sign up for an online dating profile. I remember it so clearly. I was sitting on my couch, wine in hand, on the phone with my friend getting all of her wonderful advice on which pictures to use, what to say about myself, what to put as my filters and how to search for people. I was reluctant but a little curious. I even had her go in to my account to "approve" everything because I did not think that I had done a good enough job…hence the NO SELF CONFIDENCE. Within an hour or so I was immersed into this new world of online dating. Little did I know the roller coaster I had just stepped on to!!

I'm Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas

I always heard that song by Mark Chesnutt when I was younger and I thought it was a catchy tune. Well…now that I've gone through the "Big D" let me just say…I'd much rather go to Dallas in July on horseback from South Florida without a saddle! Divorce was not fun or easy for me. When I FINALLY came to terms with the fact that divorce was the best option for us (8 months after we separated), I had a peace with everything. I am the type of person that takes my time figuring out what is best in a situation, however once I make up my mind, I'm done. No questions asked…no going back.

When we first started talking about divorce, everything was very ugly. My husband insisted that he was going to take half of everything that I had. He had run up tons of debt and it was all in my name because he had very poor credit. He told me he would leave me with all of the debt. I was terrified because I thought that even though he had cheated, there might be a way this could happen since I was the primary source of income for our family.

Fortunately, he came to his senses (or his attorney helped him come to his senses) and we were able to sit down one night over dinner and discuss everything and split it all up. I did not break away free. I ended up having to split his debt 50/50 with him, and his portion is still in my name although he is court ordered to put it in his. I have gotten lots of flack for this from friends and family but at the end of the day, he simply could not afford it on his own and I could not leave it all to him.

At the end of it all, we were divorced in less than 2 months, I owed my attorney almost $4,000 (for what, I'll never know since I did all of the negotiating with my husband and she literally had her legal assistant type up the decree) and I was ready to be a single woman…or so I thought.

I Married the Wrong Man

You know that feeling you get when something just isn't right? The feeling that you get when you know everything just isn't as it should be but you just go with it anyway because that's what you think you are supposed to do? That was me in January of 2009. It was my wedding day and instead of being excited and over the moon about the man I was going to marry, I had crazy thoughts going through my head…"Will he be at the church when I get there?", "Will he back out in front of everyone and leave me at the alter?", "Will he actually go through with this?" These are definitely not NORMAL thoughts for any bride to have on her wedding day. Looking back on this I should have kicked off my 4 inch heels and run as fast as I could in the other direction. But, I loved this man. Oh did I love him! And, we had planned a wedding and a future together so how could I even think to ruin that.

We got married. The wedding was beautiful. We had a GREAT trip to Hawaii for our honeymoon and that's about where the fun ended. About 4 months into our marriage my husband decided to quit his stable job, with a stable income, and start his own business. You notice I said "my husband decided"…this was nothing that we discussed as a married couple. This caused a financial strain in our marriage as he depended on my income to support us and he took on lots of debt to begin his business.

At the 2 year mark in our marriage I took a new position in my company. This position required more travel. This was something I discussed with him prior to accepting. He agreed. He was ready to start trying to have a baby that January, 2011. I asked him to please give me 6 months to just get my feet wet with my new position. He agreed. By the end of February our marriage was on the rocks. I got no recognition of my birthday and he was out every night "working late"…we all know where this is going. By May he had moved out to "take a break" because he thought a little separation would make us stronger. In June I found out he had been seeing someone else.

I could go in to many more details about the atrocious marriage that only ended up lasting 3 years but that is not the point of this blog. I just felt that it provided a good background for where I've been. My marriage consisted of emotional, verbal and at times minor physical abuse. It is something that I have learned more from than anything else I've ever experienced and I can say that it definitely made me the woman that I am today!