The Monster(s) Inside of Me

I never knew that I could feel so many emotions at one time. When I went through my divorce I was a broken person. I remember feeling relief because there would be no more sleepless nights wondering whether or not my husband would come home. I felt anger toward him and the entire world. I felt as if I had been betrayed. I felt as if I was being judged by everyone because my marriage had fallen apart. I was scared to death to be 28 years old and divorced! What did that say about me?? I remember telling several people that I felt as if I was walking around with a scarlet "D" pinned to my shirt. I was outright ashamed because I had failed.

This was my situation as I saw it. I was 28, DIVORCED, paying half of my EX-husbands debt and stuck with his brand new truck (which was in my name also). I was no hot commodity for any man! I was sure to die alone!! My self-confidence was at an ALL TIME low. I honestly did not know where to begin in the scary single world. To add to it, I was also living in a city that I had never been single in before! I was terrified! My solution was to just sit at home in my pity and drink wine with the blinds shut. That would solve all of my problems, right?

Fortunately, one of my dear friends had been through my situation. She was a true life saver for me during this dark scary time. She talked to me, listened to me and eventually suggested that I try the world of online dating. I flat out REFUSED. I was not going to be one of "those people". After all…they're just desperate and I was NOT desperate. But she had several fantastic arguments for why I should try online dating:

1) I have never dated in this city and it is a fantastic way to meet people who I would not normally meet. OK…now she had my attention.
2) I needed a confidence booster. Yep…I would say she was spot on with that one and little did I know how much of a confidence boost this would give.
3) There is nothing to lose as long as you are safe about it. KEY WORDS…"safe about it". This was my biggest concern with online dating. I felt like these were people who I did not know and it worried me but what the heck…I'll meet them out for the first date. What can go wrong???

So I reluctantly took the first steps to sign up for an online dating profile. I remember it so clearly. I was sitting on my couch, wine in hand, on the phone with my friend getting all of her wonderful advice on which pictures to use, what to say about myself, what to put as my filters and how to search for people. I was reluctant but a little curious. I even had her go in to my account to "approve" everything because I did not think that I had done a good enough job…hence the NO SELF CONFIDENCE. Within an hour or so I was immersed into this new world of online dating. Little did I know the roller coaster I had just stepped on to!!