It's Just Like Online Shopping…For Men

That was the sales pitch my friend used to convince me to sign up for online dating. "It's just like online shopping, but rather than looking at shoes and handbags, you're searching for your future husband." I was intrigued by this and thought it might be right up my alley when she put it that way. After all, I am on a first name basis with my UPS delivery guy because I spend so much time browsing and shopping on the internet. So, after completing my profile, I was officially a member of the online dating community. I was "shopping" for a husband.

Within 5 minutes of going active on the site, I had received my first communication from someone. I could not believe that this worked so fast!! I had an email from a guy!! Being completely new to this world (and the dating world in general) I had no idea what to do with this. I immediately phoned a friend and asked for advice. I didn't know what to say, what not to say, when to respond, the list goes on and on. Before I could get off of the phone I had another email from another guy!! THIS WAS NUTS! I could not BELIEVE that I was getting all of this attention. After all…didn't they see that I was DIVORCED?!? Why in the world would they want to talk to me?

Before the end of the first two days on the website I would guess that I had received emails from 15-20 different people. There were some who I know that I did not even respond to…not because I was being rude or mean, but because I was so entirely overwhelmed with the whole process. It literally turned into a full time job on top of my real full time job. I was beginning to feel like I needed a personal assistant to help me communicate with my newfound plethora of men. Needless to say…I was beginning to see what my friend meant when she said that this would offer a great confidence boost. I was really beginning to feel a little better about myself and see that there might be a little hope for me in the single world that I had just been thrown back in to.

I found it fairly easy to decide whether or not I was interested in the guys after we had messaged back and forth a few times. I found that was sufficient to see if we really had much in common. That is when I would decide whether or not I wanted to give them my number so that we could text. I thought that texting might be a much easier way to handle the communication.

By the end of the first week or so, after all of the craziness of multiple multiple emails and text messages, I had decided to limit my communication to two people. I thought that these two were ones who I might be interested in potentially meeting face-to-face. I was very hesitant but also optimistic. I had decided to not close the door on any new prospects, but at that point it was hard for someone new to come in to the picture because I felt I had gotten to know these two guys a little better.

So that was that…it was time to meet these boys!

The Monster(s) Inside of Me

I never knew that I could feel so many emotions at one time. When I went through my divorce I was a broken person. I remember feeling relief because there would be no more sleepless nights wondering whether or not my husband would come home. I felt anger toward him and the entire world. I felt as if I had been betrayed. I felt as if I was being judged by everyone because my marriage had fallen apart. I was scared to death to be 28 years old and divorced! What did that say about me?? I remember telling several people that I felt as if I was walking around with a scarlet "D" pinned to my shirt. I was outright ashamed because I had failed.

This was my situation as I saw it. I was 28, DIVORCED, paying half of my EX-husbands debt and stuck with his brand new truck (which was in my name also). I was no hot commodity for any man! I was sure to die alone!! My self-confidence was at an ALL TIME low. I honestly did not know where to begin in the scary single world. To add to it, I was also living in a city that I had never been single in before! I was terrified! My solution was to just sit at home in my pity and drink wine with the blinds shut. That would solve all of my problems, right?

Fortunately, one of my dear friends had been through my situation. She was a true life saver for me during this dark scary time. She talked to me, listened to me and eventually suggested that I try the world of online dating. I flat out REFUSED. I was not going to be one of "those people". After all…they're just desperate and I was NOT desperate. But she had several fantastic arguments for why I should try online dating:

1) I have never dated in this city and it is a fantastic way to meet people who I would not normally meet. OK…now she had my attention.
2) I needed a confidence booster. Yep…I would say she was spot on with that one and little did I know how much of a confidence boost this would give.
3) There is nothing to lose as long as you are safe about it. KEY WORDS…"safe about it". This was my biggest concern with online dating. I felt like these were people who I did not know and it worried me but what the heck…I'll meet them out for the first date. What can go wrong???

So I reluctantly took the first steps to sign up for an online dating profile. I remember it so clearly. I was sitting on my couch, wine in hand, on the phone with my friend getting all of her wonderful advice on which pictures to use, what to say about myself, what to put as my filters and how to search for people. I was reluctant but a little curious. I even had her go in to my account to "approve" everything because I did not think that I had done a good enough job…hence the NO SELF CONFIDENCE. Within an hour or so I was immersed into this new world of online dating. Little did I know the roller coaster I had just stepped on to!!

I'm Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas

I always heard that song by Mark Chesnutt when I was younger and I thought it was a catchy tune. Well…now that I've gone through the "Big D" let me just say…I'd much rather go to Dallas in July on horseback from South Florida without a saddle! Divorce was not fun or easy for me. When I FINALLY came to terms with the fact that divorce was the best option for us (8 months after we separated), I had a peace with everything. I am the type of person that takes my time figuring out what is best in a situation, however once I make up my mind, I'm done. No questions asked…no going back.

When we first started talking about divorce, everything was very ugly. My husband insisted that he was going to take half of everything that I had. He had run up tons of debt and it was all in my name because he had very poor credit. He told me he would leave me with all of the debt. I was terrified because I thought that even though he had cheated, there might be a way this could happen since I was the primary source of income for our family.

Fortunately, he came to his senses (or his attorney helped him come to his senses) and we were able to sit down one night over dinner and discuss everything and split it all up. I did not break away free. I ended up having to split his debt 50/50 with him, and his portion is still in my name although he is court ordered to put it in his. I have gotten lots of flack for this from friends and family but at the end of the day, he simply could not afford it on his own and I could not leave it all to him.

At the end of it all, we were divorced in less than 2 months, I owed my attorney almost $4,000 (for what, I'll never know since I did all of the negotiating with my husband and she literally had her legal assistant type up the decree) and I was ready to be a single woman…or so I thought.

I Married the Wrong Man

You know that feeling you get when something just isn't right? The feeling that you get when you know everything just isn't as it should be but you just go with it anyway because that's what you think you are supposed to do? That was me in January of 2009. It was my wedding day and instead of being excited and over the moon about the man I was going to marry, I had crazy thoughts going through my head…"Will he be at the church when I get there?", "Will he back out in front of everyone and leave me at the alter?", "Will he actually go through with this?" These are definitely not NORMAL thoughts for any bride to have on her wedding day. Looking back on this I should have kicked off my 4 inch heels and run as fast as I could in the other direction. But, I loved this man. Oh did I love him! And, we had planned a wedding and a future together so how could I even think to ruin that.

We got married. The wedding was beautiful. We had a GREAT trip to Hawaii for our honeymoon and that's about where the fun ended. About 4 months into our marriage my husband decided to quit his stable job, with a stable income, and start his own business. You notice I said "my husband decided"…this was nothing that we discussed as a married couple. This caused a financial strain in our marriage as he depended on my income to support us and he took on lots of debt to begin his business.

At the 2 year mark in our marriage I took a new position in my company. This position required more travel. This was something I discussed with him prior to accepting. He agreed. He was ready to start trying to have a baby that January, 2011. I asked him to please give me 6 months to just get my feet wet with my new position. He agreed. By the end of February our marriage was on the rocks. I got no recognition of my birthday and he was out every night "working late"…we all know where this is going. By May he had moved out to "take a break" because he thought a little separation would make us stronger. In June I found out he had been seeing someone else.

I could go in to many more details about the atrocious marriage that only ended up lasting 3 years but that is not the point of this blog. I just felt that it provided a good background for where I've been. My marriage consisted of emotional, verbal and at times minor physical abuse. It is something that I have learned more from than anything else I've ever experienced and I can say that it definitely made me the woman that I am today!