The Talk

I remember it so clearly. I felt like the most heartless person in the world. Don knew something was wrong that morning when I chose to talk with him. I had finally built up the gall to break his heart. I told him how I honestly felt...that I just could not see forever with him. I felt as if we had jumped into this relationship and I was just not ready to settle down this soon after my divorce. I knew I needed to date more people and learn more about what I wanted. I knew that Don was going to be upset, what I didn't know was how upset he would be. He began literally sobbing. I did not know what to do. I had already made my decision and there was no going back. The fact that he was crying was not going to change my mind.

He was begging and pleading with me. I don't know if he was more upset about being without me or about the fact that he was realizing that he had nowhere to go and no vehicle to go in. I told him that he did need to leave the house but that he could use my vehicle for a week until he found something else. The funny thing was, he was doing all of the crying and I did not shed a tear. This served as definite closure to me on the fact that he was NOT the right person for me. I was honestly just ready for him to leave so I could start to move on with my life. 

He packed up his belongings, loaded them into the truck and left. I felt nothing but relief. I had dealt with his depression and mopey ways long enough. I was ready to be happy. I thought that after I got my truck back I would be completely done with him. I was absolutely wrong about that. He did not let it go. He started out just calling and asking me to please try again. I told him that I was done. I thought this was probably pretty normal for any break-up. I imagined that after a few weeks of me telling him "no" that this would end. 

It only got worse. Don turned in to full-blown crazy stalker. Several times he showed up in the same place that I was. I caught him following me more than once. He even went as far as getting a storage unit in the same building as me. He would call or text me continuously trying to get me to meet up with him or go eat or just talk to him. It was really unacceptable and somewhat scary the way he was behaving. No rational person should ever behave in this manner. It was beginning to make me feel very uncomfortable. One night he texted me to ask me if he could pick up my dog and take him for a few hours to play!! I told him that ABSOLUTELY would NEVER happen. I think that he was crazy enough that he would have held my dog hostage until I spoke to him again. This behavior went on for weeks, months and…get ready for it…almost 2 years after I broke up with him!!!

It finally got to the point that I had to get REALLY nasty with him and tell him exactly like it was. I told him flat out that he never meant anything to me, he was nothing but a rebound and that he would never have a chance with me. I felt horrible for being so nasty but I felt that if I was harsh with him he might at least get the point and leave me alone. He still called a few more times after that. There was even an instance where he posted my picture to his Facebook page in an effort to harass me. When I finally realized that he was not going to stop I threatened him with legal action. This seemed to work. I have not heard anything from him since…although it has not been long enough that I am positive he has completely disappeared :)

My Takeaways from Don:
* It is absolutely OK and good to have a rebound after you come out of a divorce or a long-term relationship. These relationships are good for you to put everything into perspective and to realize what it is that you want. I believe that you have to have this "rebound" relationship to be able to completely heal and get on the right path to dating again.
* When a man begins showing signs that he depends too much on you financially or emotionally, it is time to run for the hills!! It is always nice to feel wanted or needed but there is a fine line between that and being taken advantage of. I had to determine where that line was and once I realized that it had been crossed I knew it was time to end it and move on.
* It takes a while to truly get to know someone. In the beginning I felt that everything was wonderful with Don. Once we got to know each other better and I learned how he dealt with stress, I learned that he was not the type of man I wanted to be with. Plus, after the break-up he showed his true colors and I saw how crazy he really was.
* Don't introduce someone to your family too quickly…everyone gets attached and emotionally involved and it makes the entire situation more complicated. This probably seems like a basic take-away but it was a new concept to me because I was so new at this.

Oh well...I was happier and much better off without him!! I was definitely due a little "me time" after that one. Maybe I could fit the next guy in there somewhere.

Oh Bother!!

Don began having trouble at work. He was telling me stories about his roommate, who was also his boss, and all of the pressure that he was under. He would tell me about how his roommate was "storing"work equipment at their house. I honestly knew no better so I believed his story. One day he came to my house and he told me that he and he roommate had both lost their jobs because their company was going to close down operations in this area. This seemed like a bizarre story since it was a construction company, they were in the middle of a huge project and Don and his roommate were in charge of the project. Needless to say, I believed it…even though I had my doubts. Looking back, I now realize they both got fired, probably for "storing" that equipment at their house.

Well, losing his job brought out an entirely different side of Don. I truly believe that when something major like that happens in one's life, you either sink or swim. You find a way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on or you just shrivel up and die. Well, Don was the latter. He became so mopey and depressed and every day was a struggle to be around him. He was the equivalent of Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh. I could literally picture him walking around the house saying "Oh Bother!!" This was VERY hard for me since I was just getting to such a happy place in my life, I absolutely refused to go back.

I tried and tried to help him find a job and he just seemed to have no motivation. He would apply for positions and he was not finding anything. Before too long I realized that I could not be with someone that crashed under pressure like this. I needed someone who was stronger than that. I needed someone who was able to thrive when the going got rough. I was too strong of a person to be with anyone who was weak.

I remember toward the end of our relationship being absolutely disgusted with what he had allowed himself to turn into. I knew at this point that I absolutely was not, and probably had never been, in love with him. He was purely a rebound from my marriage. He was exactly what I needed at the time to get me through the rough patch I was in after an awful divorce, but I knew if I stayed with him any longer I would quite possibly end up divorced again, and THAT was NOT going to happen!! It was time to be a big girl and have my first real "break-up" talk in almost 8 years! I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't just quit talking to him because he was living with me. By this point, he had let his lease on his house expire, he was jobless, and he was still driving my truck!!! As you can see, it would have been easy to put this one off…but I was miserable, I HAD to end it. The talk had to happen!!

Hindsight Is 20/20

Now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on my relationship with Don and see what were definite red flags in our relationship. The first huge red flag was that he was not very different from my ex-husband in the fact that he took advantage of what I had to offer financially.

In the beginning of our relationship, I mentioned previously that Don started staying over at my house every night. What I didn't mention is that he quickly started accumulating his stuff at my house and before I knew if he had basically moved in with me. He still received mail at his old place that he rented but he had literally begun to move furniture in to my house. I never put a stop to this because at the time I felt like I was in love with him and I was honestly just happy to have companionship again. Even though he was living with me, he never offered to pay any of the utility bills (which he evenly consumed) or contribute to my mortgage. He did pay for groceries though which I was grateful for because that in itself was more than I ever got out of my ex-husband.

Then, there was the issue of the truck. Yes…the infamous truck that had been a pain in my ass since my separation from my husband. Don had the idea that he would drive the truck once a week, just to keep it running and on the road, until I was able to sell it. At first I thought this was a great idea because no vehicle needs to sit without being run for months on end and I had no idea when I would be able to ever sell it. Well, one day a week turned in to two which turned in to every other day and before I knew it Don had come to me and suggested that he was going to sell his vehicle and drive my truck until he found another. He did offer to pay me while he used it which was more generous than I expected him to be. Once again, I was compassionate…and STUPID…and I told him that was fine.

Weeks passed and it became apparent that he was not going to buy another vehicle. This really began to annoy me because I felt like he was putting miles on a vehicle that I was trying to sell. However, I let things go because at this point in my life I was still quite damaged and I did not have much of a backbone…nor did I really care.

Don and I took several vacations together. Most of which were in some way or another paid for by me or my family. Whether we were using my hotel points from traveling with work, going on a family vacation with my parents or on a work trip with my job, everything was initiated and provided for by me. As I said previously, these are all things that I can see clearly now but when I was in the situation I just went with it because I really cared about the guy.

When we went to the beach with my dad's entire side of the family, he won over my family. Everyone loved him…check. When we went on my work trip I felt as if he fit in well with my co-workers…check. When I went with him to one of his best friends weddings I had a great time with his college friends…check. So why get upset about the fact that I am providing all of this entertainment when we are having such a great time?!?

I honestly would have looked past all of these red flags and dated Don for a very long time. I felt like he was the one for me and I thought I was happy. The only thing was I quickly was about to realize how unhappy I was…and I didn't need hindsight to show me!

Throwback Thursday - The Truck Retrieval

I know that I very briefly discussed the details of my marriage and my divorce but there are certain parts that need to be filled in to make some of my future references make sense. Hence, the Throwback Thursday Post, or TBT as it is more commonly referred to on social media.

When my husband and I separated, it was his idea. He thought that if we separated, it would give us a chance to have a little time apart, clear our heads and work on our marriage. Less than a month later I found out that he had a girlfriend. I completely lost my mind. I was DEVASTATED!! Fast forward about 6 months. He moved back in and we were in counseling and working on our marriage. Within a few weeks, he was back to his normal sketchy ways of not coming home at night, "working late" and not answering my phone calls.  I knew something was not right.

One night I decided to do a little "research" on my own. I went to the two bars that I knew he frequented. I found his truck at the first. He was standing outside of his truck talking to a girl. I observed for a while and then decided to make my move. I pulled my car up and confronted him. It did not end well at all. This was the girl he had been cheating on me with all of this time. Needless to say, this was the end of our marriage. We filed for divorce within a couple of weeks.

However, even though we had filed, the divorce was not final for several months and he refused to return the truck (which was in my name and which I paid over $700 a month for) to me. I begged him, threatened him, bribed him and still could not get him to budge. I remember being in such a dark place that I hoped that he would wreck the truck and die in the accident so that I could get the truck insurance and life insurance money as well. Yes, I said it. That's the place I was in. Looking back now I can't believe that I could hate someone so much but he was putting me through such literal hell that I absolutely hated him. So that's where I was, hating the man who I had promised to love forever. My how things can change!!

My dad was such a saving grace for me during this entire time. He was not going to let me live like this and he wanted that truck back just as badly as I did. He helped me come up with a plan to try to get it back. We went to the car dealership and convinced them to make an extra key for me, but the issue was that I could not find the vehicle. An extra key did me no good if I could not locate the truck. One night my dad and I drove around until midnight searching for that truck to no avail. I felt so defeated. I honestly thought I would never get it back.

Enter Don…one night I had been at my parent's house for dinner. On my way home I decided to swing by one of the bars that my ex-husband frequented. SCORE!!! He was there!! I could NOT believe it! Don and I had begun dating at this point and he was willing to help me in the truck retrieval process. I remember it like it was yesterday. We pulled up to the bar and parked across the street. I ran over and unlocked the truck with the valet key that the dealership had made for me. As soon as I unlocked it the lights started flashing and the horn started honking! I was scared to death because I could literally see my ex-husband in the bar playing pool. I was able to get everything shut off and be inside the truck. I found the extra set of keys and started it to reset all of the alarms. As soon as I did all of this my ex-husband walked outside! I was laying in the backseat of his truck while he was standing outside of the truck smoking a cigarette and talking to someone! What was I going to do if he got in the truck?!? I was terrified!

Fortunately he went back inside. Don immediately came over and pulled all of the spark plugs off of the truck. He said this would make the truck not drivable and then we could get it towed when my ex-husband left it there overnight…or at least that was the plan. So we left and went home to wait it out. Within 2 hours my phone was ringing and my ex-husband was on the other end SCREAMING at me telling me that he knew I had messed up HIS truck and he was on his way to my house to talk. I told him I had done nothing and that it was my truck and to leave me alone and not come over. He was at my house in 10 minutes banging on the door! I was scared to death. He was yelling and cursing at me and there was no way I was going to let him come inside.

I called the cops, simply to have them ask him to leave. Once the police got to my house, they ended up arresting him for public intoxication. This was absolutely NOT what I wanted to happen to him…even though that may be hard to believe considering how much I said I hated him. The only good thing that came from it was when they arrested him the truck stayed on my street so I was able to have it towed away to a secure location and he was unable to get it back. The truck was finally mine!!

Looking Through Rose Colored Glasses

Don and I began to spend a lot of time together. We started seeing each other every day and before I knew it he was staying over at my house every night. I was absolutely CRAZY about him. I remember one evening I was cooking dinner and he was in the kitchen talking to me and he said "So, how was your day today?" Something as simple as this just knocked me off of my feet. It was just so unreal to me that I was having such a NORMAL relationship with someone who was interested in what was going on in my life. During my marriage, I would walk in the door and IF my husband was home, he would be upstairs watching TV or playing video games and he would not even acknowledge my presence. Don was actually interested in ME! I was really falling for this guy!!

Things were good, life was good, I was finally happy! Plus…he had GREAT friends who I was quickly growing to adore. I remember a month or so into our relationship we were at my house one Saturday, laying on the couch and he looked at me and told me that he was in love with me!! I was SO HAPPY!! I felt like I loved him too! I was on CLOUD 9! I thought I had finally found "the one" who I was supposed to be with!

My family absolutely ADORED him! He was such a charming guy. They quickly grew to like him more than they even liked me. I felt like things were going so great.

I remember meeting his parents for the first time and thinking that he had the best family. I really wanted to be with someone who had fantastic parents because my ex-husband's parents and I never had that great relationship that you would love to have with your in-laws. I really could not believe that things seemed to be going so smoothly!!

I was living in a complete dream world and looking at everything through rose colored glasses. I had rebounded from a horrible divorce and met a wonderful man and I felt as if everything was going to be great from here on out! He was a nice guy, he was cute, and we had so much fun together…and I loved him! What more could I want?? After all…I had seen NO red flags…or had I?

The Don

The next guy was named Don. Don and I had been chatting back and forth for a couple of weeks now. After the incident with Jed, I was a little gun-shy but I had definitely learned from it so I was just going to push forward and try not to make the same mistakes twice. Don lived in the same city as I. The important things that I knew about him was that he was employed, he had a dog, he seemed really friendly and he was tall (or so he said). We decided that we would meet out for dinner at a local Thai restaurant. I went into this date with the lowest of expectations because of what I had experienced from the last on-line dating incident.

The first date was GREAT! We met and had dinner and drinks at the restaurant. Unlike my previous experience, he actually did look like his profile picture! We talked the entire time. We seemed to have a lot in common. He honestly seemed like a really fun and nice guy! I was super excited. After dinner I told him goodbye. There was no kiss, just a side hug. I was honestly just trying to take things slow and not rush things with him.

The next morning I had a 5:30AM flight out for work. I was going to be gone for a couple of days. I remember sitting on the tarmac and getting a text message from Don that said "I had a great time last night. Have a great trip and have fun." I remember thinking…"Wow…I don't know the last time I ever got a message like that when leaving for a work trip". During my marriage the night before a work trip and morning of were always surrounded with HUGE arguments because I had an extremely jealous husband. He made sure to make my entire trip a living hell. It was nice to see that there could be a change of pace.

Don texted me nice things while I was gone. It was really sweet. It actually made me look forward to coming back home so that we could do something that weekend. I couldn't believe it! I was looking forward to going on a 2nd date with someone! I was going to get home late on Friday evening so we planned to go to dinner the following Saturday night. This time I actually had expectations that we would have a good time.

On our second date, we went to dinner. Once again, we had the best time together. I was really starting to get optimistic about this Don guy!! After we finished dinner he mentioned that several of his friends were having drinks at a bar across town and they wanted us to join them. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! He wanted to introduce me to his FRIENDS!!! Now, you might think…"what's the big deal with this?" Well, let me just explain. During my marriage I lived in a completely different world from my husband. He kept me totally isolated from his friends in the city that we lived in. The only thing that I knew was their names…or supposed names. Never once in almost 3 years did I meet these friends. It was something that was a HUGE point of contention in our marriage. Hindsight, I now know the reasons that he was keeping his life so secretive but at the time I really could make no sense of it all.

Fast forward to date #2 with Don. He wanted to introduce me to his friends. MAJOR BONUS POINTS!! We went across town to the bar and had a couple of drinks with his friends. They were all great and I was so excited to be meeting all of these new people. At this point Don was a winner in my book!!

It's A Long Road Home

It only took him 30 minutes to call once he had left. I thought, "Oh good, he is calling to apologize for how inappropriate he was the night before and this morning" so I decided to answer the phone. On the other end of that phone was no apology…it was a screaming man telling me how awful of a person I was for kicking him out of my house and making him drive back home in a rainstorm. He called me a bitch, told me I was a piece of shit and was screaming like a CRAZY man! Needless to say…if I didn't realize it the night before, I quickly realized I dodged not just a bullet, but a missile!

I remained calm on the phone and told him that he would not speak to me in that manner. I informed him that we would not be speaking again after this interaction and that I hoped that he had a safe trip home in the big bad rainstorm (which people drive in everyday). He called over and over again and I would not answer his calls because I knew how crazy he was acting and I was not going to deal with it at that moment.

The following day he called again. I answered. He was singing a completely different tune. He apologized for the way he had acted, and he informed me that we should be together because he makes enough money to take care of me and that is what I need. Oh yes!!! That will solve all of my problems…sense the sarcasm?!? I told him once again that this would not happen and to please just forget about the weekend. To this day…over 2 years later I will still get an occasional text from "Psycho Jed" as he is now stored in my phone. Some are just checking in to see what's up, and some have been pictures of some guy's chest…but definitely not his. He must have forgotten I have seen his!

What I learned from this interaction…my "take-away's":
* NEVER EVER have a guy over to your house on a first date…even if you know him. First dates are best in public places and you should ALWAYS ALWAYS meet each other there.
* When online dating you never know what you will get. Don't expect the person to show up and look exactly like their profile picture or even be who they really say they are. It is easy to hide behind a computer.
* It is OK to end a situation immediately if you are uncomfortable. You are the only one who is in charge when it comes to you and your happiness (and safety). If you do not feel OK with how things are progressing, leave…or in this instance…kick them out IMMEDIATELY.
* Size DOES matter! You know that line "it's not the size of the boat, its the motion in the ocean"…well, I can't say for sure but from pure speculation of what I saw there could be a hurricane in that ocean and it would never be enough.

Now that I was armed with all of these take-away's from my first date I was ready to conquer the dating world. I was confident that this was just a bump in the road and I was excited to meet the next guy. I just knew it was going to be better.