The Tiny Red Flag Waving in the Distance

After our first date, Todd and I were really into each other. We started talking often and we made plans to get together a second time. This time I was going to be in his city for work. I already had a hotel room booked for the night (as I always did when I worked in that particular city) so we planned to meet up for cocktails after work and then grab dinner. Once again, the connection was instant and the chemistry was magical between us. After dinner he wanted to go to his house to watch a movie. I thought that sounded like a great idea because I absolutely did not want to leave him.

We went to his house and I became even more impressed with him. This was no bachelor pad. He had really worked hard to make this house seem like a home. He had very nice furniture, it was nicely decorated and the house was HUGE! Plus, it looked out over a lake and had the most picturesque view. We cuddled up on the couch and started a movie. I honestly don't even remember the movie that we watched because we didn't watch too much of it. We were like two high school kids who were just so wildly attracted to each other! It was nuts!! After the movie was over, I realized that it was once again way too late on a work night and I had to drive back to my hotel. I was not willing to stay over with him yet so I had to go "home". It's really hard to make responsible decisions when all you want to do is be irresponsible but that is part of being an adult and dating versus dating in college.

The next morning I met him for a breakfast date. We decided that we needed to maximize our time together while we were actually in the same city. After a quick bite to eat and a kiss goodbye I was on my way.

I was not going to see him again until the weekend. I was beginning to see that a long-distance relationship was going to be a little different than anything else I had tried thus far but since we both had such flexible work schedules, I thought that we travelled to each other's cities enough that we could make it work.

We continued talking constantly throughout the remainder of the week and we made plans to get together the following weekend. He was going to come up and spend the day on Saturday and then we would go out Saturday night. I felt like we had talked a lot up until this point and I honestly felt like I knew a lot about him. We had had many long conversations on the phone and I was really getting to know him well.

I knew about his job, his family, friends, religious views and beliefs. I knew what his goals were in life and what he was looking for in a companion. One thing that threw up a red flag in our conversations was the fact that he told me that he did not like small indoor dogs. I did not take this too seriously because I initially thought he was joking around and giving me a hard time because I had 2 small indoor dogs who were my world. They were like my children. I blew off his concerns because I just thought "What kind of weirdo doesn't like small dogs?" I just knew this could not really be a THING! After all…you have to be heartless to not like dogs and Todd was definitely not heartless!

So…I ignored the small, tiny red flag waving in the distance and proceeded on to the Saturday date. It was going to be fine! We were going to have a blast just as we always had!!

Late Night Cocktails and Shenenigans

I went about a month without dating anyone. I had just lost interest and decided that I needed a break from the entire dating scene for a while. I was not doing any sort of online dating and I decided that I was not going to actively pursue anyone. If someone happened to come into my life, that was fine, but no looking for anyone. After a little while of this hiatus, a client of mine decided that they had someone that I should meet. He was in the same field as me and they thought that we would be a good match. I was not really super interested in dating, but since it was a client, I felt a bit obligated to at least entertain the idea.

She did all of the leg work as far as exchanging our numbers and names. I left everything up to him to contact me. Within a couple of days I received a phone call from him. His name was Todd. We hit it off immediately on the phone. We had so much to talk about. We had the same client's that we worked with so that in itself gave us a huge conversation starter. Plus, Todd was hilarious!! That was a major plus for me since I absolutely LOVE a man with a sense of humor. I had so much fun talking to him on the phone. We began talking a lot during the day. We both had fairly flexible schedules so it allowed for lots of phone time and lots of time for text messages to be exchanged.

The more I got to know about him, the more intrigued I became. This guy had his life together. He was strong in his faith, he had a GREAT job and he had a great family. He even had a 3 story house that he OWNED…not owed a mortgage on…but OWNED and he was 34 years old! He was a far cry from the other guys I had been dating, and a complete 180 from my ex-husband. I was absolutely impressed with him and his drive to succeed in life.

After a couple weeks of a lot of talking, Todd and I decided that it was definitely time to meet face-to-face. We lived in two different cities, but our jobs afforded us the opportunity to work in each other's cities so we decided that the next time one of us was working in the other's city, we would have dinner. Well, it happened within a day. He was in my city working and was going to be there for the night. We made plans to go eat dinner. I was so excited to finally meet him in person! I had seen his picture on Facebook and I knew he was cute but I could not wait to spend time with him.

We met at a local restaurant for cocktails and dinner. It was an INSTANT connection. He was not just cute…he was HOT!! We literally talked the entire time and there was an undeniable chemistry between us! It was honestly the best first date that I had been on in a VERY long time. The connection between us was just so good! We ended up walking around outside and talking for almost 2 hours after dinner. It was so nice to just connect with someone on this level. I felt like I had known him for years and it was our first date.

While we were walking around, we found a bench in a secluded area. That was when he kissed me. We ended up making out right there on the bench. I am not one to do that in a public area, but put a few cocktails in me, give me a great connection with a hot guy and I guess I will change my mind. Plus, it was a week night…there was no one around to witness my shenenigans.

I ended up staying out with him until around 1:30AM. We spent the entire night talking, making out and talking some more. I just remember that I absolutely did not want to go home but I knew that it was best that I did. I just did not want the night to end!!

The Mama's Boy

The next guy I met was named Jamey. Jamey and I actually met during the time that I was online dating and I met Jed and Don but I told him that I was seeing someone. We decided to become Facebook friends and keep in touch. Once Don and I broke things off, Jamey and I began chatting more. I had never really talked to him too much prior to this since I was dating Don at the time so it was my first real chance to get to know him.

At first glance he seemed like a super cute guy and he told me how much he loved working out and being active which was a huge plus for me. I decided that I would give him a chance and that maybe we could just talk a little more before we actually went on a date.

Once I started paying more attention to Jamey's Facebook profile and pictures, I began to notice that his mom was VERY involved. He had multiple profile pictures of he and his mom and any time he would post a picture or a status, his mom would be one of the first to comment. Now, while I thought this was a little strange, I didn't let it scare me off. We kept talking for about a week. There were definitely signs that I noticed that he was possibly a little desperate for someone to date. I just was not in that same place. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was just looking for something casual and fun.

He finally made the move and asked me out. The date that he had in mind was for me to come over to his house, we would watch a football game, and he was going to make rotel dip and pigs-in-a-blanket. YES…he was that specific about the menu! I just honestly could not do it. First, I had learned from my experience with Jed that I would never EVER have a first date at someone's house again. Second, when I really sat down and thought about it, the mom thing really creeped me out. I want to be with someone who loves their mother and treats them well, but there is a fine line between love and creepy obsession. And third, the fact that he was so specific about what he was going to prepare for appetizers just really annoyed me for some reason.

After I turned him down for a date, he turned into the weird Facebook "status updater". One example was "Enjoyed hanging out by myself so much this past weekend that I think I might do it again this weekend…gotta have some company though…hmmmm". Then of course, his mother would comment about coming to see him and keeping him company. It was just altogether too creepy. I honestly believe I dodged a HUGE bullet on this one. All in all, after a couple more text messages and weird Facebook status updates, he bowed out gracefully. He was one of the overall less dramatic, but still interesting, ones that I have come across.

The Talk

I remember it so clearly. I felt like the most heartless person in the world. Don knew something was wrong that morning when I chose to talk with him. I had finally built up the gall to break his heart. I told him how I honestly felt...that I just could not see forever with him. I felt as if we had jumped into this relationship and I was just not ready to settle down this soon after my divorce. I knew I needed to date more people and learn more about what I wanted. I knew that Don was going to be upset, what I didn't know was how upset he would be. He began literally sobbing. I did not know what to do. I had already made my decision and there was no going back. The fact that he was crying was not going to change my mind.

He was begging and pleading with me. I don't know if he was more upset about being without me or about the fact that he was realizing that he had nowhere to go and no vehicle to go in. I told him that he did need to leave the house but that he could use my vehicle for a week until he found something else. The funny thing was, he was doing all of the crying and I did not shed a tear. This served as definite closure to me on the fact that he was NOT the right person for me. I was honestly just ready for him to leave so I could start to move on with my life. 

He packed up his belongings, loaded them into the truck and left. I felt nothing but relief. I had dealt with his depression and mopey ways long enough. I was ready to be happy. I thought that after I got my truck back I would be completely done with him. I was absolutely wrong about that. He did not let it go. He started out just calling and asking me to please try again. I told him that I was done. I thought this was probably pretty normal for any break-up. I imagined that after a few weeks of me telling him "no" that this would end. 

It only got worse. Don turned in to full-blown crazy stalker. Several times he showed up in the same place that I was. I caught him following me more than once. He even went as far as getting a storage unit in the same building as me. He would call or text me continuously trying to get me to meet up with him or go eat or just talk to him. It was really unacceptable and somewhat scary the way he was behaving. No rational person should ever behave in this manner. It was beginning to make me feel very uncomfortable. One night he texted me to ask me if he could pick up my dog and take him for a few hours to play!! I told him that ABSOLUTELY would NEVER happen. I think that he was crazy enough that he would have held my dog hostage until I spoke to him again. This behavior went on for weeks, months and…get ready for it…almost 2 years after I broke up with him!!!

It finally got to the point that I had to get REALLY nasty with him and tell him exactly like it was. I told him flat out that he never meant anything to me, he was nothing but a rebound and that he would never have a chance with me. I felt horrible for being so nasty but I felt that if I was harsh with him he might at least get the point and leave me alone. He still called a few more times after that. There was even an instance where he posted my picture to his Facebook page in an effort to harass me. When I finally realized that he was not going to stop I threatened him with legal action. This seemed to work. I have not heard anything from him since…although it has not been long enough that I am positive he has completely disappeared :)

My Takeaways from Don:
* It is absolutely OK and good to have a rebound after you come out of a divorce or a long-term relationship. These relationships are good for you to put everything into perspective and to realize what it is that you want. I believe that you have to have this "rebound" relationship to be able to completely heal and get on the right path to dating again.
* When a man begins showing signs that he depends too much on you financially or emotionally, it is time to run for the hills!! It is always nice to feel wanted or needed but there is a fine line between that and being taken advantage of. I had to determine where that line was and once I realized that it had been crossed I knew it was time to end it and move on.
* It takes a while to truly get to know someone. In the beginning I felt that everything was wonderful with Don. Once we got to know each other better and I learned how he dealt with stress, I learned that he was not the type of man I wanted to be with. Plus, after the break-up he showed his true colors and I saw how crazy he really was.
* Don't introduce someone to your family too quickly…everyone gets attached and emotionally involved and it makes the entire situation more complicated. This probably seems like a basic take-away but it was a new concept to me because I was so new at this.

Oh well...I was happier and much better off without him!! I was definitely due a little "me time" after that one. Maybe I could fit the next guy in there somewhere.

Oh Bother!!

Don began having trouble at work. He was telling me stories about his roommate, who was also his boss, and all of the pressure that he was under. He would tell me about how his roommate was "storing"work equipment at their house. I honestly knew no better so I believed his story. One day he came to my house and he told me that he and he roommate had both lost their jobs because their company was going to close down operations in this area. This seemed like a bizarre story since it was a construction company, they were in the middle of a huge project and Don and his roommate were in charge of the project. Needless to say, I believed it…even though I had my doubts. Looking back, I now realize they both got fired, probably for "storing" that equipment at their house.

Well, losing his job brought out an entirely different side of Don. I truly believe that when something major like that happens in one's life, you either sink or swim. You find a way to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on or you just shrivel up and die. Well, Don was the latter. He became so mopey and depressed and every day was a struggle to be around him. He was the equivalent of Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh. I could literally picture him walking around the house saying "Oh Bother!!" This was VERY hard for me since I was just getting to such a happy place in my life, I absolutely refused to go back.

I tried and tried to help him find a job and he just seemed to have no motivation. He would apply for positions and he was not finding anything. Before too long I realized that I could not be with someone that crashed under pressure like this. I needed someone who was stronger than that. I needed someone who was able to thrive when the going got rough. I was too strong of a person to be with anyone who was weak.

I remember toward the end of our relationship being absolutely disgusted with what he had allowed himself to turn into. I knew at this point that I absolutely was not, and probably had never been, in love with him. He was purely a rebound from my marriage. He was exactly what I needed at the time to get me through the rough patch I was in after an awful divorce, but I knew if I stayed with him any longer I would quite possibly end up divorced again, and THAT was NOT going to happen!! It was time to be a big girl and have my first real "break-up" talk in almost 8 years! I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't just quit talking to him because he was living with me. By this point, he had let his lease on his house expire, he was jobless, and he was still driving my truck!!! As you can see, it would have been easy to put this one off…but I was miserable, I HAD to end it. The talk had to happen!!

Hindsight Is 20/20

Now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I can look back on my relationship with Don and see what were definite red flags in our relationship. The first huge red flag was that he was not very different from my ex-husband in the fact that he took advantage of what I had to offer financially.

In the beginning of our relationship, I mentioned previously that Don started staying over at my house every night. What I didn't mention is that he quickly started accumulating his stuff at my house and before I knew if he had basically moved in with me. He still received mail at his old place that he rented but he had literally begun to move furniture in to my house. I never put a stop to this because at the time I felt like I was in love with him and I was honestly just happy to have companionship again. Even though he was living with me, he never offered to pay any of the utility bills (which he evenly consumed) or contribute to my mortgage. He did pay for groceries though which I was grateful for because that in itself was more than I ever got out of my ex-husband.

Then, there was the issue of the truck. Yes…the infamous truck that had been a pain in my ass since my separation from my husband. Don had the idea that he would drive the truck once a week, just to keep it running and on the road, until I was able to sell it. At first I thought this was a great idea because no vehicle needs to sit without being run for months on end and I had no idea when I would be able to ever sell it. Well, one day a week turned in to two which turned in to every other day and before I knew it Don had come to me and suggested that he was going to sell his vehicle and drive my truck until he found another. He did offer to pay me while he used it which was more generous than I expected him to be. Once again, I was compassionate…and STUPID…and I told him that was fine.

Weeks passed and it became apparent that he was not going to buy another vehicle. This really began to annoy me because I felt like he was putting miles on a vehicle that I was trying to sell. However, I let things go because at this point in my life I was still quite damaged and I did not have much of a backbone…nor did I really care.

Don and I took several vacations together. Most of which were in some way or another paid for by me or my family. Whether we were using my hotel points from traveling with work, going on a family vacation with my parents or on a work trip with my job, everything was initiated and provided for by me. As I said previously, these are all things that I can see clearly now but when I was in the situation I just went with it because I really cared about the guy.

When we went to the beach with my dad's entire side of the family, he won over my family. Everyone loved him…check. When we went on my work trip I felt as if he fit in well with my co-workers…check. When I went with him to one of his best friends weddings I had a great time with his college friends…check. So why get upset about the fact that I am providing all of this entertainment when we are having such a great time?!?

I honestly would have looked past all of these red flags and dated Don for a very long time. I felt like he was the one for me and I thought I was happy. The only thing was I quickly was about to realize how unhappy I was…and I didn't need hindsight to show me!

Throwback Thursday - The Truck Retrieval

I know that I very briefly discussed the details of my marriage and my divorce but there are certain parts that need to be filled in to make some of my future references make sense. Hence, the Throwback Thursday Post, or TBT as it is more commonly referred to on social media.

When my husband and I separated, it was his idea. He thought that if we separated, it would give us a chance to have a little time apart, clear our heads and work on our marriage. Less than a month later I found out that he had a girlfriend. I completely lost my mind. I was DEVASTATED!! Fast forward about 6 months. He moved back in and we were in counseling and working on our marriage. Within a few weeks, he was back to his normal sketchy ways of not coming home at night, "working late" and not answering my phone calls.  I knew something was not right.

One night I decided to do a little "research" on my own. I went to the two bars that I knew he frequented. I found his truck at the first. He was standing outside of his truck talking to a girl. I observed for a while and then decided to make my move. I pulled my car up and confronted him. It did not end well at all. This was the girl he had been cheating on me with all of this time. Needless to say, this was the end of our marriage. We filed for divorce within a couple of weeks.

However, even though we had filed, the divorce was not final for several months and he refused to return the truck (which was in my name and which I paid over $700 a month for) to me. I begged him, threatened him, bribed him and still could not get him to budge. I remember being in such a dark place that I hoped that he would wreck the truck and die in the accident so that I could get the truck insurance and life insurance money as well. Yes, I said it. That's the place I was in. Looking back now I can't believe that I could hate someone so much but he was putting me through such literal hell that I absolutely hated him. So that's where I was, hating the man who I had promised to love forever. My how things can change!!

My dad was such a saving grace for me during this entire time. He was not going to let me live like this and he wanted that truck back just as badly as I did. He helped me come up with a plan to try to get it back. We went to the car dealership and convinced them to make an extra key for me, but the issue was that I could not find the vehicle. An extra key did me no good if I could not locate the truck. One night my dad and I drove around until midnight searching for that truck to no avail. I felt so defeated. I honestly thought I would never get it back.

Enter Don…one night I had been at my parent's house for dinner. On my way home I decided to swing by one of the bars that my ex-husband frequented. SCORE!!! He was there!! I could NOT believe it! Don and I had begun dating at this point and he was willing to help me in the truck retrieval process. I remember it like it was yesterday. We pulled up to the bar and parked across the street. I ran over and unlocked the truck with the valet key that the dealership had made for me. As soon as I unlocked it the lights started flashing and the horn started honking! I was scared to death because I could literally see my ex-husband in the bar playing pool. I was able to get everything shut off and be inside the truck. I found the extra set of keys and started it to reset all of the alarms. As soon as I did all of this my ex-husband walked outside! I was laying in the backseat of his truck while he was standing outside of the truck smoking a cigarette and talking to someone! What was I going to do if he got in the truck?!? I was terrified!

Fortunately he went back inside. Don immediately came over and pulled all of the spark plugs off of the truck. He said this would make the truck not drivable and then we could get it towed when my ex-husband left it there overnight…or at least that was the plan. So we left and went home to wait it out. Within 2 hours my phone was ringing and my ex-husband was on the other end SCREAMING at me telling me that he knew I had messed up HIS truck and he was on his way to my house to talk. I told him I had done nothing and that it was my truck and to leave me alone and not come over. He was at my house in 10 minutes banging on the door! I was scared to death. He was yelling and cursing at me and there was no way I was going to let him come inside.

I called the cops, simply to have them ask him to leave. Once the police got to my house, they ended up arresting him for public intoxication. This was absolutely NOT what I wanted to happen to him…even though that may be hard to believe considering how much I said I hated him. The only good thing that came from it was when they arrested him the truck stayed on my street so I was able to have it towed away to a secure location and he was unable to get it back. The truck was finally mine!!