I'm a Puma...Not a Cougar

LB began texting me within a day after we first met. He really wanted to get together and go out for a date. By this point I had told several of my friends about meeting him and I was already being referred to as a "Cougar". I was adamant that I preferred to be referred to as a "Puma". According to Urban Dictionary there was a significant difference...

puma

An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

 
I agreed to go out on a date with LB. We went out for sushi and wine and spent the evening chatting and getting to know each other better. I had NO EXPECTATIONS for this date because in the back of my mind I kept reminding myself that he was 6 years younger and I was positive he was going to be incredibly immature. To my surprise we had a great time at dinner. He was actually very sweet and easy to talk to. 

He was going out of his way to make me feel special. He opened every single door for me. He walked with his arm around me or held my hand the entire time. He was very attentive to our conversation and seemed genuinely interested in me. He also was impressed with my career achievements thus far and just made me feel really good about myself and also about where this might go. 

After dinner we made plans to see each other again. He was such a pleasant surprise and I felt that I really did want to spend more time getting to know him. He kissed me goodbye and we parted ways. Before I even got home I had a text message from him telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have met me. I knew that it was just a line but I thought it was still so sweet of him. I really was beginning to get a good feeling about this guy.

At that point I decided not to judge him anymore on his age. Age was just a number and maybe I really could have a good time with him regardless of the fact that he was young. I did tell myself to keep my guard up longer with him because I just felt that I didn't completely know what to expect...especially considering the age difference...but I absolutely was going to go out with him again to see where things might lead.

LB23

After Andy, I took another hiatus from dating for a while. I spent time with my family, friends and just getting to know myself better. I think that it is important to do this when you are single. The saying "You will never be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself" is absolutely true. I was not one of those girls who had to have a man in my life to make me happy. I honestly just wanted to relax and enjoy myself.

I was back in with the single crowd again, going out on the weekends (and weeknights) and just having the time of my life. Enter LB.

I was hanging out with a dear friend of mine one weekend at a local bar. We had just walked in 15 minutes before and were drinking our first drinks standing against the wall by the bar. I had my back to the door and never saw him walk in. The next thing I know, my friend turns to the door, says "Oh well hello" and is striking up a conversation with a super cute guy and the three of us are now in a circle talking.

Now…here is the tricky part about two single girls going out and only one guy. I assumed that since she was the one who began talking to him first that she was interested so I was being very nonchalant about the situation. I was going to let her take control and "have him". Little did I know she had picked him out for me and within 10 minutes he was only talking to me and she was off somewhere else in the bar!

He kept telling me how beautiful I was, how he was so glad he had come out and met me tonight and how he couldn't wait to take me out on a date. All of the great lines that guys feed to girls in bars. As we kept talking we started asking all of the obligatory get-to-know-you questions. He had a job that he had just started. He had just moved to my city in the last 6 months so he was just trying to meet people. He had never been married before. Then I asked him how old he was…I almost choked on my vodka tonic!! 23!!! He was 23 years old!! He was a BABY!! I wanted to run in the other direction! I was honest with him about the fact that I was 29 years old (at the time) and he didn't care. I was obviously MUCH more hung up on the situation than he was.

I had NEVER dated anyone even a day younger than me…6 years younger was like statutory rape in my book!! I did not know if I could even consider giving him my number. I absolutely had to feel it out a little more. We spent the rest of the evening talking and getting to know each other a little more. He seemed very mature for what I expected out of a 23 year old…and he kissed me…which was more that I could say for my last experience with Andy.

I decided what the hell…I would give him my number and see where it went. I honestly went into it with no expectations whatsoever. I figured if anything came of it, it would be a pleasant surprise.

The Challenge

Over the next several weeks, Andy and I began spending more time together. We went on at least one date each week and we would get together and watch a movie or hang out casually in between our dates during the week. We were having a lot of fun together. He was a good guy, we had fun together and we both seemed interested in each other. There was one thing that seemed to be missing though. We had hardly kissed each other!! Every time we would kiss it was like he was intimidated or scared or something and all I would get was a peck on the lips. It was the equivalent of how he would kiss his grandmother!!

I tried to be patient. I kept telling myself that maybe he just liked to move slower than most men and that this was not a bad thing! I mean really…let's think back here…he could have been dancing naked in my living room on the first date! This had to be better than that. I just had to let him move at his own pace and take things as they happened.

Finally we got to his birthday weekend. We had been seeing each other for over a month and that boy had still not even opened his mouth when he kissed me!! This was going nowhere and I was beginning to get frustrated! There were times when I started to question if he might even be gay. I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. I told him that I was going to take him out for his birthday. Since we had only been seeing each other a month, I decided a gift was not necessary but I could at least spring for his dinner.

I met him at his house, with a cupcake and a card in hand. Still nothing…just a hug and a little peck on the lips. I was going to be patient…we were going to have a good dinner (with lots of wine) and then I was going to put the moves on him. This had become somewhat of a challenge for me.

We went to dinner, had wine, came back to his place and still nothing. I couldn't take it anymore. I leaned over and gave him a good long birthday kiss! It was the most awkward kiss I have every had. He was like a little pony just learning to walk and I felt like a dirty old woman for making him kiss me. I felt like I had taken advantage of him. I had never in my life experienced a situation like this and all I wanted to do was get the hell out and not deal with him or his awkwardness anymore. I had had enough! Maybe he was scared, maybe he was gay, but I couldn't devote anymore of my time to letting him figure it out!!

I remember leaving his house driving home thinking that this must be what a guy feels like when they are frustrated with a woman because she wants to take things slow. TOTAL ROLE REVERSAL!

Needless to say…I did not go on anymore dates with Andy. That was the night that I realized that we were definitely not compatible and we did not have the chemistry that was needed to sustain a relationship…or at least the chemistry that I needed to sustain a relationship. We did talk a few more times afterwards but I told him that I just could not see it going anywhere beyond where we were now. He was a great guy but definitely not the guy for me.

My Take-Away's From Andy:
*If you have not kissed someone (and I mean REALLY kissed someone) by the second date, it is probably never going to go anywhere because that chemistry just simply is not there. Chemistry between two people is undeniable when it is there and it should be there from the moment you meet.
*You can't have a relationship without chemistry. A relationship without chemistry is a friendship and that's what I would have had with Andy. I am not looking for a friend, I am looking for a husband and someone to spend my life with. I cannot settle just because someone is a good guy.
*I'm not truly a dirty old woman…I just had to figure out for myself what was going on with him…but now it is clear that it never would have gone anywhere ;)

Andy's First Date

Andy called and he seemed like a really nice guy from the first conversation that we had. Not only was he nice, he was a guy who had goals. He was an engineer and he was planning to go back to dental school within the next 2 years.

I was really intrigued by the fact that he was someone with a little ambition. We talked for about a week and then we decided to go out on a date. We went to a local restaurant for dinner and wine. When I saw him for the first time I remember thinking he was really cute! He was a little shorter than I would normally go for but I wasn't going to let that bother me. We had such a nice time just relaxing and talking to each other.

We shared our "divorce stories" with each other and both got a good laugh out of it. He was actually the first man that I had dated that had been divorced so it was nice to have someone who could relate to what I had been through. I had never realized how nice it would be to have that in common with someone until I sat down and talked with someone about it and they could ACTUALLY relate.

So far, Andy was getting lots of pluses for this date. He was cute, he liked wine and he could relate to my stories. I was excited that this might actually be a good thing. 

We stayed at the restaurant for quite awhile just spending time getting to know each other better. I felt really good about where things were going and I was looking forward to spending more time getting to know Andy. He asked me if I was interested in going out on another date with him and I was very excited to say yes! 

I had hoped that since we had already decided that we would be seeing each other again that the night would have ended with a kiss. I didn't :( Just a hug and a plan to see each other again. It was fine. I just was a little disappointed because I wanted to know if that attraction was there. I didn't get too worried about it. I figured there was always the second date. I was ready to get to know this guy. He seemed like he was going to be a good one!!

A Friend of a Friend

It had been several weeks since the incident with the crazy drug thief. I was honestly not making any attempts to look for a date and I was just enjoying my life. One afternoon I received a Facebook message from a colleague of mine asking me whether or not I was seeing anyone at the moment. I hadn't heard from him in years and I wasn't sure where this was going.

Considering that he was single and I was not interested in him at all, I skated around the question and told him I was KIND OF seeing someone. This was a total lie, but if he was asking for himself it gave me an easy out rather than having to shoot him down with no excuse. I did ask him why he wanted to know. He responded telling me that he had a friend in mind who he thought would be a great match for me. I asked him for high level details just to see whether or not I might be interested. 

His friend had just gotten divorced a few months ago, he lived in the same city as I did and he was looking to start dating again. He told me his name and told me to look him up on Facebook and see if I was interested. I did a little obligatory Facebook stalking and thought he was cute so I messaged my friend back and told him it was fine to share my information with him. 

From what I was able to find with my stalking, his name was Andy, he was an engineer and he played soccer in his spare time. He seemed attractive and like a guy that I would be interested in meeting. Other than that I was pretty blind to the situation. All I could do was wait to see whether or not we would actually meet.

I felt like this one might actually be a little more reliable though since it was a "friend of a friend" situation rather than a complete stranger. Time for the waiting game again!! If he called I would go out with him, if not I had nothing to lose anyway because I really didn't care about dating at this particular moment anyway.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I thought that after all of that Tommy would just tuck his tail in humiliation and bow out gracefully. I had made it very clear to him that we would not be working things out and he needed to move on to someone else. He definitely did not give up.

He would send me text messages apologizing for what he had done. He asked me repeatedly to just hear him out and give him a chance to explain. I felt that there was nothing to explain AT ALL. He had stolen drugs from me! No explanation could change the fact that he was a thief and a pill head. There were red flags all over this guy and I knew that I needed to let him go!

A few weeks after we stopped dating I came home from work and had 2 dozen long stem red roses on my front porch with a card from Tommy. It was yet another apology and plea for me to give him a chance. I stuck to my guns and continued to ignore him. I just honestly knew that at the end of the day there was not going to be a future with us.

After the flowers I honestly thought that he had gotten the point. I did not hear from him for several months. I felt like he was gone. Then one day out of the blue, I got a text message from him with one of those generic "E-Cards" about a dog that he said made him think of me. It was a cute picture so I responded. That was the mistake I made. I should have never responded to him. I should have left the gates closed. What followed was the most horrifying, entertaining and downright embarrassing thing I have ever seen. He sent me another message that said "I was thinking about you the other night and I made something that hopefully will make you smile".

The next thing that came through was a video. I honestly was so annoyed that I didn't even play it at first. I had dealt with enough crazy out of this guy that I didn't want to know. Finally curiosity got the best of me and I had to watch it. He had LITERALLY set up his computer to record himself dancing to  Robin Thicke's "Give It 2 U" and sent it to me. And he was NOT being goofy or funny. He was SO DEAD SERIOUS while he was dancing!! The best part was that he was sweaty in the video so you could tell that he had probably been practicing several times before he got just the right one that he wanted to send. If I ever had any doubts about this guy being on drugs, they were all confirmed!!

Needless to say, after having a small breakdown about what my life had become, I shared the video with all of my friends and colleagues. They all thought it was HYSTERICAL and a bit pathetic and got a big kick out of it. I never responded to his video. After that he did go away. I think he finally got the point that I was not interested.

My Take-Aways from Tommy:

* If you think a person has quirks in the beginning, they are probably going to turn into something a little larger than a quirk. He showed me his "crazy" early on but I chose to ignore it. I thought that he was a good guy. I was completely wrong.
* There is a difference between being intoxicated on alcohol alone and being intoxicated on alcohol plus prescription pills. I always thought that he was over the top when he went out and partied…it just took me a little bit to put all of the pieces together. That is definitely not something that I am looking for in a life partner.
* Always stick to your guns when you break things off with someone if the situation is like it was with Tommy. There is no telling where this roller coaster would have taken me if I would have taken him back and given him another chance, but I was not willing to stay on for the ride. I had had enough of him and his nonsense. I had too much to lose in my life to get caught up in childish behavior like that.

What's Mine is NOT Yours

I looked around my kitchen and realized that Tommy had indeed cleaned up the disaster from the night before. All of the food was gone, nothing was on the floor and overall everything seemed back to normal. There was just one thing that was slightly off. One of my chairs from my breakfast table was pulled away from the table and pulled against my cabinet and the cabinet was standing wide open.

Had this been a food cabinet or the cabinet that I kept my dishes in, I would have never even thought twice about it...but this was a different cabinet. This was my medicine cabinet. Why in the world would a chair be pulled up to my medicine cabinet and the door be standing wide open?? Had Tommy needed an Advil for a hangover there would have been no need for a stool for him to peer in the medicine cabinet. That was right in the front. As soon as I walked over and looked in, I could tell that everything had been shuffled through.

I immediately went into search and recovery mode!! I just had a gut feeling that this was not going to end well.

I am quite the medicine hoarder. Anytime I get a prescription, I keep the leftovers just incase I ever need them. I have my own pharmacy going in my medicine cabinet and now it had been violated. I began looking at everything…mostly looking for the more "desirable" drugs that someone might want to take.

It did not take me more than a minute to find what was missing!! I was missing a FULL bottle (30 pills) of Loratab - which I keep on hand because I have kidney stones - and a bottle of Xanax - which were my saving grace when I went through my divorce!! I could NOT believe it!! Tommy had taken drugs out of my house!! I had NEVER had ANYONE steal from me!! I honestly did not know what to do. One part of me felt like I should report him to the police just incase he were to overdose and my name was attached to the bottles, but then I didn't want to be so dramatic.

After I sorted everything out in my head I chose to send him a simple text. It read "Hope you made it home safely, I don't think you and I have a future together." It did not take him long at all to pick up the phone and call me. Of course he was completely SHOCKED that I felt that way. He wanted an explanation. I asked him if he had left my house with anything that wasn't his. Of course he denied it. I told him how my kitchen looked when I came home and what was missing from my drug cabinet. He continued to deny it. I stuck to my guns and ended it.

Within 20 minutes he called me back and admitted to everything and offered to bring the pills back to me. He told me how he likes to take pills when he drinks (which completely explained the crazy drunken state he got into) and that he was sorry. I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him and he could shove the pills up his ass for all that I cared. I felt completely violated that someone had been in my house and gone through my things and just taken whatever they wanted. After all of this he even had the nerve to ask me to please give him another chance. He thought that if he returned the pills, we could pretend like none of this had ever happened and just move on. FAT CHANCE!!